Just like any other young woman, who is still single in her late twenties, I have traveled far and near celebrating my friends and even friends of friends as they say I do to their “best friends.” Weddings aren’t cheap for couples and as we speak, wedding guests share in the expense by having to buy the best outfits, pay for flight tickets and accommodation as necessary. So after a while, it’s natural to become weary of the idea of celebrating everyone else without knowing when your turn will come or if it will ever come. I personally have gone on tangents asking God all the questions in the world, to be able to figure out why I was still making the trip to everyone’s wedding and wasn’t getting the reward of my own significant other. But then, I realized that God isn’t intimidated by how I feel and what I think. His plan for my life would unravel in ways beyond my imagination and that would be in His own time. One thing I’d like people to know is that God is very detailed and intentional. He doesn’t do things for the sake of it or just because we want Him to. He will do His good pleasures for us based on what He’s intended before the foundation of the earth. He owed me no responses as to why I was single but allowed me the opportunity to discover and live out the truest version of myself. It’s very difficult to give someone access to your life without having spent time with yourself to discover who you really are. I have my moments of wonderland (as in wondering if something was wrong me that’s why I’m single). But every time I feel that way, I know it’s a distraction because the truth is nothing is wrong with me and I won’t take a salary to believe otherwise. Of course, people constantly ask me are you talking to anyone? Is anyone making advances at you? Do you go out enough to meet people? You live in New York City why haven’t you met anyone? I have the same facial expression every time alongside the response “if I could, I would have married myself. However, I can’t. So I choose to wait.” Over the years I have gotten better at not letting those questions weigh me down or entertain any insinuations that make me feel less of myself. The truth is people don’t come to New York City to get married, I’ll put that out there. I am enjoying my season as much as my married friends are enjoying theirs. I take pleasure in hearing their experiences and continue to uphold their homes in prayer. But I refuse to put my life on hold just because…….
Now, even the average person knows that once you make up your mind to pursue a particular path, challenges will surface without an invitation. It’s our responsibility to decide ahead of time what our responses to challenges will be. As a single woman, I used to struggle with trying to figure out every time “if this guy one is the one or that other guy is the one.” Like making every single guy who comes close to me a potential in my head. It didn’t take long to realize how exhausting that is. As women, we have natural instincts that allow us to know in a short amount of time if we can spend the rest of our lives with someone or not. So it ends up being disappointing when all the potentials in my head ended up not being the “one.” I learned very quickly to channel my energy toward enjoying good friendships with guys without worrying about whether or not they are the one for me.
The other side of being single is dealing with societal pressure. I know within the context of our culture I am an endangered species for being single at almost 30. Yet, it is a choice to wake up each day refusing to react to pressure. As important as marriage is, it’s not the only thing in the world I have to think about. I’ve had to work hard ALL my life to get to where I am at, of course not without the grace of God. So, I won’t let a society that doesn’t know if I have food on the table or not detects if I should be happy or sad. I don’t mind reminding myself 100 times a day there are bigger problems in the world that I can be a solution to instead of throwing tantrums about being single. Every day isn’t as easy as it sounds but it’s doable with focus and discipline.
Next to making Jesus Lord of my life, I think one of the best things I’ve done for myself is discovered and walking in my life’s purpose. Everyone in the world has a specific assignment with their name on it. Needless to say how life-changing it is to know your assignment and fully walk in it. Identity and purpose isn’t a formula to pacify your need for a husband or any other relationship for that matter. But it does save tons of energy invested in worrying about something you have no control over. I can’t wake up tomorrow morning and go get anybody to become my husband, what I can do is relentlessly pursue the dream God has placed in my heart. The caution here is not replacing my need for a relationship with chasing dreams because that will mean finding my worth in what I do. I have learned the art of separating who I am as an individual from what I do. I know single women are tired of hearing the advice given to them about keep pursuing your dreams and one day wedding will happen. I share in their pain and can relate in every way. Here is what I’ll say about that, do the things you do first to honor God, then to satisfy your longing to be used by Him and lastly for the people that are to benefit from what you do.
In mathematics, the formula for finding the sides of a rectangle or square always leads to the same outcome. I don’t think it is the same with waiting for a relationship or marriage to happen. What has helped me over these years is constantly evaluating my motives. If I run as hard I as do in life thinking that will validate me for marriage, I’ll be running in vain. Someone should love you for you. I want to remain validated in God even when I no longer do what I do now.
There is so much to enjoy in life. The key is knowing your identity and your assignment. Some days are going to come with whirlwinds of trouble, discouragement, doubts, and fear. Your response to all these is what determines where you abide. If you’ve spent your days longing and worrying about becoming a wife, then you’ll be sidetracked by your emotions. BRING ALL DISTRACTIONS UNDER THE BLOOD, YOU GOT THIS!
One of my biggest tools has been accountability. Surround yourself with authentic friends and mentors (whether that’s a pastor or some authority God has placed in your life). I used the word authentic because it is necessary to have people who genuinely care about you and can be honest with no other motives but to see you at your best in life. I have no intention of sounding like a saint, but I value friendships and I don’t I have a friend who would say I have not made sacrifices for the sake of investing in our friendship. Not until two years ago where I noticed a pattern in my life: I had some friends who didn’t value me the same way I valued them. I’ll go to ends of the world even when I didn’t have the means to do so. But I noticed it wasn’t the same with them. They’ll do things because it’s convenient for them – sacrifice was far-fetched. It became a cycle of hurt (I didn’t this share with anyone, but would just brush it off like every other pain I’ve had to overcome). In order to heal from anything, it’s important you look out for patterns that need to be discontinued. I did just that! I noticed my friends were not wrong, they only treated me the way I offered myself to them. Stay with me for a second, I am going somewhere. I shared this to say having a significant other will not improve your self-esteem or how you allow people to treat you. When close friends hurt me, it will almost feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. It would feel like I have lost something I could not do without. Then I’ll start attributing it to the fact that I wasn’t in a relationship. I would tell myself that one-day things will be different when I have a man (thank God for a renewed way of thinking). Now, this is where the authenticity of your relationships will play a key role: I reached out to a good friend and asked a series of questions while being transparent about the things I was dealing with. This was the first time I had allowed a friend to rebuke me, yet I felt like a burden lifted off my shoulders. He told me exactly what I needed to hear. He didn’t need to advise me on what to do. There was so much clarity in that conversation and I rehearsed something one of my mentors had told me “people that treat you as an option shouldn’t be your priority.” What has this got to do with waiting with grace? A whole lot, my dear friends! A lot more than we are willing to admit. I would have walked into a relationship thinking it would automatically fix the dynamics of other relationships in my life. You and I know that’s not true. Being single is a good opportunity to know yourself, have your identity rooted in the One who loved you enough to give His life for you and build something on earth that heaven can ride on to fulfill God’s purposes across the world. If marriage is what you desire, then that makes you and me. But first delight yourself WHOLLY in the Lord. With no shadow of a doubt, He’ll grant your heart’s desire. Remember, God wants you to be married more than you even desire to.
About Favour:
Favour Ikome is the Founder and Executive Director of Raising a Generation of Esthers Foundation. She was born in Cameroon and presently resides in New York City. Favour is a woman of inspiring courage and immense leadership. Under her leadership, RGE Foundation provides scholarships, mentoring and leadership development opportunities for young women in Cameroon. So as to continue expanding the scope of her organization’s influence on women, Favour recently picked on a new line of interest as Creative Director for Beautiful You Closet – a clothing line she co-founded with her sister. 15% of the proceeds from all purchases go toward funding education for schoolgirls. Her passion for influencing her generation paves the way for Favour to speak and host events designed to encourage, train and equip women. Thus giving her the opportunity to teach a group of UN employees at the United Nations Head Quarters. Also, she is a brand ambassador for SALUD hair and body products by Dr. Rigo, while working on staff as office manager at Every Nation New York City.
