When you can no longer navigate your way going forward, you can always come back home.
God just impressed it on my heart that one of the biggest mistakes we make when we’re battling sin is first of all trying to break free before returning to Him. I understand why. This is what religion has taught us. Religion has taught us that we have to be worthy before we can approach our Father; that we have to be clean and without blemish to be able to access His presence; that we have to first deal with, and overcome the sin we’re battling before approaching Him. This is why we (the church) turn up our noses when we see certain people lifting their hands in worship on Sunday. “Hmm isn’t she sleeping with Brother Samson? Such hypocrisy” We need to be imparted with the spirit of shut up. You don’t know their struggle! You don’t know where they are in their relationship with God. You are not the judge of all the earth. God is!
In summary, religion teaches that we have to perfect before we can come to Him. This would have been true if the precious blood of Jesus wasn’t spilled on that old, rugged cross, making atonement for ALL our imperfections and presenting us FOREVER faultless before the Father! Because the voice of religion has rung louder than that of Christ’s finished work in our heads, every time we fall short and give in to sin, our guilt and shame stand as barriers and prevent us from approaching God’s presence. It is not our sin that stands between us and God. It is our guilt and shame. This is so important to note.
For God’s children (and you are God’s child if you’ve accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior whether or not you are currently deep in sin) sin has been forever dealt with in Jesus! Guess what? Even for the unbeliever – someone who hasn’t put their faith in Jesus, their sin has been dealt with. It was one sacrifice, for ALL sins and for ALL time! So, for the unbeliever, it really isn’t sin that will send him to hell –it is refusal to accept Christ’s forgiveness and the gift of life that He gives by faith in Him. See what God’s word says in Hebrews 10:12
‘But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. ‘
And Hebrews 10:14
‘For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.’
Religion has made us believe that Jesus only paid for the sins we committed before we became born-again but not the ones we commit after we accept Christ. That’s not even scriptural! As we see in the scripture above, Jesus’ sacrifice is good for ALL time! That sacrifice is good for you right now even in the thick of your mess.
I love how the second scripture says “by that one offering, he FOREVER made perfect those who are being made holy”. So, even right now, you are perfect! This perfection is forever. This perfection is not based on what you do or don’t do. It is a perfection imparted on you by faith in the Perfect One. It is about a perfect sacrifice that was made for you by a perfect God! When God sees you, he doesn’t see your faults. He sees Jesus. Friend, Jesus is standing tall in you! Don’t you see that there’s no reason to run away from the Father? Don’t cheat yourself out! Embrace this too-good-to-be-true love that Jesus offers you. God is not mad at you. He’s not even disappointed in you. His love runs deeper than your mess.
I pray so earnestly that you come to an understanding of the depth of this love. This revelation will free you from any chain faster than trying to do things right on your own ever could! If you really want to be free, you have to begin to think differently. God’s love is so wide, all the mess you can ever make is drowned in it; it’s so high your failures could never reach it. God’s word says that His love endures FOREVER! Your sin is no match for this love! God’s love is a whole feast. It’s not subject to portion control!
I can write an entire book on God’s love for me. It was God’s love and a revelation of His grace that freed me from sin and empowered me to live righteous. I know this because I struggled so hard to live right while I still had a wrong mindset. Even after I had left the toxic relationship that I was in and later moved on to another relationship, I still struggled to be sexually pure (I didn’t have sex anymore but that didn’t mean I was sexually pure. They are different things).
It was when I came to a full grasp of the finished work of Christ and no longer allowed guilt and condemnation to stand in the way of my relationship with the Father that I really began to experience true freedom from sin. The more I saw myself as righteous regardless of my failings, the less I fell. My actions began to align with my thoughts and confessions! I experienced such freedom that when I met my husband, staying pure was not a struggle. We had our first kiss on the altar, before God and His witnesses on our wedding day! That’s what understanding God’s love and grace can do! God’s love and grace will do for you what strong will and resolve cannot! An understanding of God’s love and grace will not just change your outward behavior; it will change your inner desires. You will desire nothing but to please Him. Your heart will swell with a desire to love and please a God that can love you so unconditionally and so timelessly.
My first counsel is, grow in the knowledge of God’s love. Know that your dignity runs deeper than your failings. Beat these things called guilt and shame with God’s word. There is no condemnation for you at all! Even if you fall, still say “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! Lord, I thank you because you paid for this sin already. I receive and embrace your forgiveness” Soon, you will find that your actions will line up with your thinking and your words. Remember, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7)
As you strengthen your relationship with the Lord, it’s also important that you find someone to talk to – a mentor, or a wise and spiritually sound friend. If you’re trying to walk away from a relationship, the natural tendency is to want to isolate yourself. You just want to crawl into your shell and stay by yourself. You don’t want to deal with anyone asking you questions, judging you or showing disappointment. I went through this season too but I realized that I wanted to be free so bad that I didn’t care if someone would be disappointed. What was important to me was that I found someone who was mature, trustworthy, had the spirit of God and of course whom I knew wouldn’t judge me. I also needed them to be someone I held in high regards and would listen to as well as be accountable to. This made a world of difference for me and it will for you too. You need that support from at least one person. So, think about it. Who can you talk to? I’m here if you need me!
There’s no pretending here, ending even a toxic relationship can be hard – but when you’ve invested time strengthening your relationship with the Lord, when you know why you’re doing what you’re doing; when you begin to see how much more there is to your life than this mess that is trying to hold you bound, then you will have an inner excitement about the fact that you’re about to break free! God is jealous over you. The destiny and assignment that God has for your life is so great and the enemy is not happy about it at all. This is not just about ending an ungodly relationship. This is a battle for your purpose, destiny and future. So even though Jesus stands tall in you and presents you faultless before God, if you allow him, the enemy can still wage war against the future that God has ordained for you. Give him no place!
It’s important to be spiritually, mentally and emotionally prepared when you’re about to end this relationship. You must know that there’s nothing you can say to make the other person feel better about the break up. You are the one doing the break up and there’s nothing you can say to make them feel better. Truth is it’s not your job to make them feel better. You have to deal with this fact. Be prepared for guilt trips, tears and things like that. Make it quick, but make it very clear. You don’t want to leave the door ajar; you want to completely shut that door. Don’t say things like “I really do love you but…” or “It’s not you, it’s me”. Please do not extend your hand of friendship. No, you cannot be friends at all! If he (or she) asks if you still love them, let them know that you will not provide answers to such questions. For some situations, you will need to be brutal for the sake of your future. You are snatching your destiny!
Also, be sure to meet at a neutral place – somewhere public enough not to be alone but private enough to keep your conversation so. Do not meet at either person’s house! You don’t want to put yourself in a compromising situation. Of course, remember to ask for the help of the Holy Spirit before doing this. He always helps!
Do ask them to respect this decision and not make it any harder for either party by not calling or texting. You cannot move on from this if you’re still taking their calls or chatting back and forth. This has to be final. Please unfollow them on social media. This is not immaturity. This is you guarding your heart and applying it unto wisdom.
At this point, please note that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s so important that you focus on healing and moving on and that you’re not pressured to start calling all your friends and telling them stuff. Except you are sure to receive encouragement, prayers and support from a trusted friend, you really do not have an obligation to most people to tell them anything.
I say this because often times we don’t tell our friends or just anyone the entire story and because they don’t have the full picture of things, they may try to intervene on the other person’s behalf. Well-intending friends will ask you if you can just try to work it out. Someone insinuated to me that if I really ended this relationship, it would look like I had a problem. You need to guard your heart so carefully and ensure that you’re not taken back to Egypt! I know they want to help but they can help you into error. So, be wise. If family is involved, do let them know your decision and respectfully ask them to support you on this healing journey.
The process of healing isn’t always a painless one. As a matter of fact, with healing sometimes come bouts of pain and discomfort. I’m aware that there are so many different scenarios that can play out in situations like this but one thing holds instructive for all – let whatever pain you may feel drive you deep into a secret place with your Father, not back to where you’re coming from. This is so important.
Please don’t give into the temptation to run into the arms of another man. This is another typical struggle we face after ending a relationship. If you’re quick to go into another relationship without allowing God to heal you, fill the void and make you strong in Him, you are likely to begin another cycle of sin and toxic relationships. This is so even if you’re starting a relationship with a believer. Because you are vulnerable and not completely whole, you may throw yourself at him and find yourself compromising again. Don’t be under pressure. Don’t ever let the fear of not finding a good man or never getting married cause you to fall into another error. Those fears are not even real. God’s very best is still ahead of you! You haven’t blown God’s plans for your life – you’re not that powerful. You will get married to a fantastic, godly man! Settle that in your heart and be at peace.
It’s time to get busy doing the right things. Get busy serving in church, hang out with friends, do fun stuff, travel if you can! Life is what you make of it in this season! You are free to live! If there was ever a time when you needed a company of sisters that you could lean on, a safe haven, a place where you could draw strength and grow in your relationship with God, that time is now. I’m happy to recommend my own network of amazing sisters! We’re called Abby’s Place! More than I can tell, this platform has been a blessing to me. It has helped me heal even in places where I didn’t realize that I needed healing. Even without saying anything, God often sends me a word through this amazing network – and it’s not just me. Many others share this testimony too! If you’d like to be a part, please let me know in the comments and I will contact you as soon as possible!
You were never created to do life in isolation. Isolation is definitely a tool of the enemy to ultimately destroy people. We need to stay woke!
I really do pray that you’ve picked up something from this post and in fact the entire series. I pray that you are empowered to break free. Your purpose beckons! God is calling you to bigger, higher, better things and it’s time to move forward in Him. I cannot wait to read your testimony of deliverance!
I love you. Remember God is crazy in love with you and is waiting for you with arms open wide!