This post is second in a series that I’ve titled “Return”. You can read the first part HERE.
The devil thought he had cleverly handed me a one way ticket to destruction – a life fated to misery, regret, doom, gloom and failure. He made it look all too rosy and dreamy. At some point in my life, all form of common sense had left my brain.
What the enemy did not know was that God, my First Love had long before I was born, made provision for my return ticket to Himself – a ticket that He purchased with the very precious blood of His Son, Jesus.
So, while I took my bath that gloomy morning, crying because I wanted to be free but didn’t know how to be, wondering if there was still redemption for me, wondering if God was going to leave me to myself and abandon me to the imminent dangers of the situation I had walked into with my own legs, He was there whispering “You can come back daughter. I already purchased your return ticket. Look more closely. You’re not stranded. It’s not a one-way ticket. It’s a return ticket.” Only, I couldn’t hear Him. I was too confused, scared and ashamed to make a decision to return. I really wanted to. I just didn’t know how.
Let me share a background story with you to bring you up to speed. You’re probably a little lost right now. Stay with me for a moment. You can grab some pop corn and a drink if you’d like!
I’m a pastor’s kid (actually a bishop’s kid) and I grew up knowing the Lord. I was indeed taught of the Lord. To a very reasonable extent, my parents, my father especially is quite known in our little world. Of course, in the church where he serves, he is well known and respected – so, common sense tells me that I should never have dreamt of writing this post, let alone actually sit here and write this. But you see, the grace, love and redemption of my Jesus compels me to do this. I’m like the ecstatic woman at the well shouting on top of her lungs “Come and see a man…!” When you’re forgiven much, you can’t keep quiet. When you have truly experienced grace, you cannot be silent. Your little reputation cannot stand in the way of your proclaiming His mighty power that has saved, delivered and set you free! You don’t care about the praise neither do you care about the blame. You just want to tell of His love!
So, to come back to what I was saying, I had a sound spiritual background with a loving, nurturing, wholesome, and balanced family life. I did have some negative experiences in my childhood, but those are stories for another post. Because of how beautiful life was for me growing up, I was shielded and somewhat blinded to certain realities of life. For instance, I never saw my parents have a disagreement so I assumed this was the normal way of life with all couples and families. All I knew was the love of my family, church, school and a few other activities. I was a really good girl, well brought up, morals on point and all that good stuff. When my friends in secondary school were having boyfriends, I judged them and made it clear that I had values and would not join them to do those things.
Because my relationship with God was based on my morality and performance, I was very judgmental and critical of others. I just couldn’t get why people did certain things. I was very quick to put them down even as I sat on my very exalted, high horse. I smile now as I remember how critical of others I was because the very things I judged others over are some of the things I walked into and willingly did – and even worse. So, even though I knew the Lord, loved Him with all my heart and served Him with my all, I had very limited understanding of His grace which really is the basis of our walk with Him.
When your relationship and walk with God is based on your own performance, behavior, morality and actions, watch it! You’re about to bump your head real bad (I have this image of five little monkeys jumping on the bed and bumping their heads. If you live with a toddler, you’ve seen this rhyme too many times on YouTube. Only, this is way more serious than that!). God will eventually humble you so that you can receive His grace, because He only gives grace to the humble. (See 1Peter 5: 5-6 and James 4: 6-7) But when God does the humbling, it often comes at a cost.
A relationship with God that is based on how you perform or behave and not on Christ’s finished work is a weak relationship. It will not hold up under pressure. You will realize soon enough that even on your best day, in your greatest strength and most perfect behavior, you still do not come close to measuring up to God’s standard of perfection. Each time you don’t meet up, you’re left feeling, drained, worthless, not enough and burned out and rather than crawl back into His arms, you sink deeper into the mire that threatens to swallow and cover you up.
This was my reality. Perfectionism and control were my mantra. I prided myself in my little saintly reputation. What I did not know was that perfectionism, control, and the need to put on a perfect front tend to only produce shame and fear. I was set up to fall big time.
When I met a guy that I thought was really gorgeous, well spoken, and had some charm, I wasn’t even sure how I fell. I just knew I did. I had the check in my heart, I knew from the get go that that relationship should never have made it past hello, but not only did it make it past hello, I let it stay and I entertained it with some pizza and a coke.
It must have been somewhere around this time that the devil thought he had purchased my one-way, never-to-return ticket. Everyone around me knew about this relationship. There was no Instagram then so my most active social media platform for broadcasting this relationship was BBM of blessed memory. Some people that were close to me didn’t feel comfortable about this relationship. My sister was forthright about her dislike for him. Friends and family that cared about me tried to ask me questions and caution me, but I was just beginning to have the time of my life and I wasn’t about to let anyone ruin it with their negative energy. Negative energy, stay very farrrr from me! Haha!
I was that girl who thought that somehow, I could balance this relationship with loving and serving the Lord. He didn’t really share my faith, but I convinced him a few times to come to church. I thought I could help his spiritual life. This was going to be evangelism by dating. It never works people, it never does. Rather than win him over, I saw myself slip away helplessly as I began to live a double lifestyle. I wanted to cry for help at some point, but the pride, shame and fear that had been created by the perfect-girl front I’d put on all my life wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to tamper with the perfect image of our relationship that our pictures depicted. Everyone on the outside thought we looked so good together. So I stayed put.
By this time, I wasn’t spending time with God anymore. My mess, shame and the voice of accusation constantly ringing in my head were the reasons why. You see, I had become the original “good girl gone bad”. I’d gone from the saintly church girl to having sex right after a Sunday service (not that it makes any difference if you have sex on Monday or Sunday – but you get my point!). I was even more quickly losing the fruit of the Spirit, proof that I had tuned out the Holy Spirit. I was restless. I became defensive and rude. These were things that had never been a part of me in the past. See, when we say a transfer of spirits happens when you sleep with someone, you better believe it! I started to behave in so many ways that were not at all consistent with who I really was and had been all my life.
I remember once, when my mum who is incredibly spiritually gifted called me. I sat before her and though she had seen nothing in the physical to validate her fears, she laid them out all the same. She told me of a dream she had where she saw this boyfriend of mine with his eyes very red, smoke coming out of his mouth and nose. Guys, she painted the exact picture that I saw in real life quite often – when he was smoking pot and/or cigarettes. I was afraid! I knew God had shown her so that she could warn me. It must have registered in the far back of my mind that God really did care about me. I dismissed her dream and lied that what she had seen wasn’t true. I was really afraid that God had told on me!
The very next opportunity I had, I went over to him and tried to break up with him. My mother had seen a vision – a true one at that and I needed to take to my heels. Somehow, he convinced me that he would change. He would never pick up a stick of cigarettes or weed again in his life. And with that, we carried on with the relationship. As you can guess, the change never happened. If anything, I got introduced to smoking weed and using alcohol. You have to understand that I was a perfect little church girl. Here was I, doing things that I could never have imagined myself doing. I was wild!
I made lots of other mistakes that would take so long to read. I had gone from “this” to “that”. I could barely recognize myself. There were nights that I cried for the girl that I once was, the girl who would be disappointed by this new girl and who she had allowed herself to become. I never intended to go that far, never dreamed of doing those things – but there I was, in the thick of iniquity, yet keeping up appearances. A few close people may have noticed the change, but to most people, I was still the perfect Christian girl.
Over time, I began to experience an abusive pattern – emotional and verbal, with threats and intimidation occasionally thrown in the mix. It was around then that I started to think like the prodigal son. What if I go back to my Father, my First Love? Can I even go back? How do I leave this situation? I’m scared, confused and ashamed. What will people think? What will they say? By this time, we were already engaged to be married. Yup! I took the ring.
“Lord, you can’t watch me ruin my life” I’d cry. “You can’t watch me go to hell” I’d say. “How do I come out of this?” I was too timid, too scared of many things to take that step. I knew though, that I couldn’t afford to marry him and be trapped for the rest of my life.
But oh the overwhelming, never ending reckless love of God! Oh it chases me down fights till I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine! My First Love came searching for me even when I was breaking His heart. He set me up big time. He brought someone into my life – a friend. I thought he would be more, but God didn’t send him into my life for that purpose. As this friendship developed, God was speaking to my heart, showing me that I didn’t have to settle for this mess I was in.
I began to find myself in God again. He began to woo me and court me again. He began to show me all the things He had been longing to show me. He began to tell me how much He loved me and how much He had missed my fellowship with Him. He began to show me that He never left even though His heart broke. He began to tell me that His love for me was unchanged and still as intact as it had ever been. He showed me that my mistakes meant nothing to Him because He had since made provision for them – way before I was born. He just wanted His girl back. And I wanted so badly to go back too.
So, before I went and broke off that relationship, the first thing I did was to strengthen my relationship with the Holy Spirit. I needed to get to a place so strong in my walk with the Lord that I knew that once I ended things, it really would be the end. Remember, we were engaged so the stakes were very high – or so I thought. As my relationship with the Lord grew again, so did my strength, resolve and determination. I no longer had space in my heart to entertain my First Love and this strange love.
I also confided in a mentor and let him know about everything. There was no hiding. I knew he would be disappointed but I was now too concerned about breaking free and securing my future than in his momentary disappointment. Thankfully, he didn’t judge me, but prayed for me and helped me to take steps towards ending that relationship.
One especially bright and beautiful day, I dressed up and decided that that was the day the Lord had made! We agreed to meet up at a restaurant, and ladies and gentlemen, after two unsuccessful attempts, I placed the tiny ring into his palm. With all of God’s grace and the strength He made available to me, I ended that relationship, not minding the tears and the pleas. The Lord helped me marvelously and delivered me from myself! From then on, there was no turning back!
That relationship was a heavy yoke, something I didn’t have the strength to break free from on my own. I had given too much of myself to it. It was easier to stay than to leave.
I have no doubt that this is someone’s struggle right now. It may look like it’s easier to stay than to leave, but I’m proof that God can help you do this. I’m not asking you to try, to strive, or to make efforts on your own – but if you would place your hand in His hands (and in mine if you need to), you’ll see that God makes the most powerful chain breaker and deliverer. You are free! Even if you’re still in it right now, even if you’re reading this from under the sheets in his bed, or with a bottle in your hands, say this out loud “I am free!” There you go! It starts with right believing and right confessing and before you know it, you’re empowered to break free!
There’s still so much to talk about. The after-math, dealing with well-meaning family and friends trying to intervene, the blackmail, the roller coaster ride of emotions, the effect of social media and all of that. We’ll look into those in the next and hopefully final post in these series. I’ll share practical lessons I learnt on how to really break free, tips for navigating the next season, because you will be tested and tried! There will be tearful nights, words spoken and hurtful ones too but I can tell you for sure that when you take the lessons you learnt in this season, and begin to receive the love that God has been lavishing on you, plus a glimpse of much better that He has in store for you, it will be more than worth it! You will be glad that God brought you out. God brought me out even when I walked into the mess myself and I stand faultless before Him because Jesus stands tall in me! He wants to do the same for you and I remain committed to holding your hands on this journey!
If you haven’t already, please, be sure to click subscribe so you can join my mailing list and get notified once I upload the next posts. I am praying for you with all my heart. I believe that you are free indeed and that you win on this journey! I love you but God is crazy in love with you!
