The question hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat there tongue-tied, realizing that I honestly didn’t have an answer to the question that had been asked. “Tosin” she asked me, “What is your conviction about this relationship?” As I write, I do not remember what my response to that question was. What I do remember is that it was an awkward moment for me; one that made me very uncomfortable. Somewhere in my mind, I argued that this question was too deep, unnecessary and uncalled for. I mean he was a good guy and things were moving along okay. Couldn’t I just hang on to that? Wasn’t that reason enough to be in a relationship and eventually get married? Why do people have to be so extra over these things?
As the day went by though, the question kept replaying in my head. The realization of the fact that I had no convictions whatsoever began to set in, making me almost cringe in embarrassment. I really was just going with the tides, moving in whatever direction I thought things were going. I had been in this relationship for a couple of months and in all honesty, things had been going okay. He was a decent guy, Christian, and wasn’t there to play games. I thought this was enough but was it really? God would later provide the answer to that question.
I looked up the word “Conviction” and Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “a strong persuasion or belief; the state of being convinced”. I clearly didn’t have the strong persuasion described in this definition. A time came when the boat of our relationship was rocked by stormy waves and my lack of conviction came to the fore. You see, the way you pray when you already have a conviction about something or a situation is different from the way you pray when you don’t. Because I never got a word or a go-ahead from God at the start of that relationship, I began to ask God for a word and a sign when things came crashing. At this point, I was asking for a word under duress and could have heard wrongly or assumed God was speaking when it was indeed my flesh. The noise of my pain and confusion was enough to drown out the voice of God. If I’d had my conviction from the start, I could have held on to it while praying and reminding God that He had given me this conviction. I could have begun to tackle the problem from a standpoint of internal rest and peace even in the midst of chaos.
God eventually made it clear to me that He hadn’t asked me to go into this relationship in the first place. Over the years, I have come to understand how important it is to have a conviction before taking important steps. There’s something called “the courage of (one’s) convictions”. This means “to have the confidence to act or behave in accordance with one’s beliefs or ideologies, especially in the face of resistance, criticism or persecution” (thefreedictionary.com). I have come to know that your convictions become of great importance when the storms of life hit your relationship or marriage. The storms are real! And they do not always mean that you made the wrong decision or didn’t get God’s approval. In fact, the more godly, the more the attack. One of the things that keep you strong and going on in the face of challenges in marriage is your original conviction. It’s the one thing you can hold on to and say “Lord, this is what you told me. This is the man you gave me”. It’s so relieving and calming to be able to take God’s word concerning your relationship or marriage back to him. You can rest assured that because He led you there, He will work things out.
When I met my husband in January 2016, I wanted that conviction badly. I genuinely wanted a word; not just so I could boldly tell anyone, but because I knew I would need it for the long marital journey ahead if he was to be “the one”. Sure enough, God gave me a word! Today, I still see what God told me playing out in my marriage. Like any other couple, we have our differences and challenges, but like the Psalmist, I can boldly say that even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death in this marriage, I will fear no evil. Why? Because, even if I know nothing else, I know for sure, indeed for certain, that God is with us! And really, that’s all we need to conquer each and every time!
Getting your conviction is really not a tough task. The Spirit of God is always willing and available to lead us into all truth and speak to our hearts if we truly open up to Him without having our own agendas. It’s really simple. If you would acknowledge Him before you embark on that relationship, He will speak to your heart and direct your path. I’ve never heard God audibly and you may never either, but He will quicken His word in your heart. It could be when you’re studying the Word, reading a book, or a scripture that comes to mind as a response while you’re seeking God. His ways are limitless but one thing you can be sure of is that with His leading comes peace.
To conclude the story I started with, fast forward to about six months later when I told my friend about my now husband, she asked me the same question: “Tosin, what is your conviction”. With my head held high, my shoulders square and a smile on my face, I told her what I’d heard from God about this man and this relationship. She would later tell me that she never felt convinced or at peace about the other guy but her spirit was in agreement with my husband (I believe she has a discerning spirit). Loved one, there’s nothing that gives more peace than knowing for sure that you are right where God wants you to be.
So, today I ask you: “What’s your conviction?”