If you’re like me, born and bred in church, chances are you’re very familiar with some of the things I’m about to share. If you only recently got rooted in a place of worship, or if you’re somewhere in between then this will bless you also.
I’ve seen over and over again, the joy on the faces of well meaning church folks when they find out that a “committed sister” is getting married to a “committed brother”. It just often seems like a perfect match. Brother is a prayer warrior, protocol member, media team member, youth leader, and of course a tither. He’s committed to the things of God and so whoever he chooses as his wife has hit the jackpot.
As I reflect over my life, my experiences and those of others, I realise that attention has somehow been shifted from what’s really important to what seems to look good on paper. It’s as though we have become so drawn to the idea of a person who is busy for God that we forget to lay emphasis on their actual relationship with God and the fruit that they produce.
Let me just put it out there that it’s a great thing to be committed in the house of God. The truth however remains that many people serve with wrong motives while others just don’t really understand the reason for service. All that people see is the service, the activity and the busyness for God, but dear single church girl (permit me to refer to you as a girl even if you’re 35. After all, we’re all “children” of God!), you have a responsibility to look beyond the activity of a man. You have a responsibility to probe deeper and consider his relationship with God. There is a fine line between religion and relationship. You want someone who shares a true, deep and personal love relationship with the Father and not just someone who is busy in church. Someone who shares a relationship with God serves with a different kind of heart.
Please don’t get caught up and distracted by activity! Well meaning people may make you feel like brother John is the best person for you because he belongs to five service groups and attends every service but please, beyond what they see and say, what is brother John’s relationship with Jesus?
There are men who are super active in church yet they still want to have sex outside of marriage. I’m not talking about they had sex and they’re remorseful or repentant. I’m talking about they flat out, unrepentantly ask for sex, yet five service groups! Please pay attention. Activity is not relationship. Sadly, I’ve come to know stories of men who are active in church, some holding titles but who beat their wives. The Bible warns us about wolves in sheep’s clothing. They appear good on paper but their hearts are not right with God.
Please don’t let anyone bamboozle or confuse you. God is more interested in the heart of a man than in his activities. Am I saying you should marry a man that is passive about the things of God? Absolutely not. That too could be symptomatic of an ailing relationship with God. What I’m saying is, focus first on what’s important – his relationship with Jesus. If his relationship with God is right, it will spill over into the way he serves. His motives and his heart will be right. He won’t be serving just to seem busy for God and get a good girl. You want someone that serves with a right heart.
So maybe brother John speaks in tongues and even prophesies. Maybe he has the word of knowledge and can tell you what you’re thinking at this moment. Haha! All of these are good things but they’re not the most important things. God’s word doesn’t say “by their gifts you shall know them”, it says “by their fruit, you shall know them”. Do not marry the gift, marry the fruit. Galatians 5:22-23 outlines the fruit of the spirit. A gift is just what it is – a gift, but good fruit is produced by a thriving relationship with the Father and that’s what you want. Again, I say, don’t look at the gift, look at the fruit. If he produces good fruit and has the gifts, amazing! If he produces bad fruit and has the gifts, please take to your heels! I recommend that you read Galatians 5 to know or be reminded of the works of the flesh and the fruit of the spirit so that you can better assess that brother John!
Remember that you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You don’t need to prove that your fiancé is the most spiritual and the most committed person in church. It does nothing for you. It won’t deliver you from the reality of his bad character when you eventually get married to him. Focus on his relationship with God and the fruit that he produces. It’s even better when he’s committed, has a thriving personal relationship with God and produces good fruit!