Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for others is to be brutally honest with them.
Let me tell you about this thing Femi (real name withheld) and I once had going on.
Femi was a guy I had been friends with for a while. He was newly born again and growing in his walk with the Lord. I enjoyed talking, hanging out and just being friends with him, but then I started to notice that he was “falling in love.”
He wanted to take our friendship to the next level, but I just couldn’t see it working out. It’s not like there was anything wrong with him but I viewed him and “us” through the lens of my deal breakers, and one in particular screamed “no, Tosin, this is not for you!”
The more he tried, the clearer I put it across to him that although I liked being friends with him, I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.
One evening, we sat in the outdoor area of a fast food restaurant, eating ice cream and chatting playfully about a myriad of things.
Femi suddenly grew quiet and in one intense moment of desire, desperation, and frustration, he looked piercingly into my eyes and said, “Tosin, why won’t you give me… give us a chance?”
A part of me was exhausted that he was still going there – still asking this question. Hadn’t I told him severally that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him? Why was he still pushing this?
Then I realized my fault. He needed a reason I hadn’t given him a real one. I hadn’t helped him see how being in a relationship with or marrying him wouldn’t align with something was was super important to me.
I knew in that moment that I had to tell him the truth.
I stared back at him and without flinching said “Femi, you can’t lead me. I can’t follow you. And leadership is very important to me.”
Ouch. I know! It must have stung. But it was a liberating moment for both of us. I didn’t mean to bruise his ego and to be honest, what I said didn’t mean he didn’t have any leadership qualities.
It just meant that I didn’t see him leading me the way I knew I needed to be led. He would no doubt make a fantastic husband for his wife one day, just not for me.
Now that I’m married, and with everything we’ve been through in our 3 years plus of marriage, I see very clearly why God imprinted so strongly in my heart, a desire to marry a man who could truly stand in his place as a leader in our home.
Many things that we have overcome so easily have been first, because of God’s grace and then because of this man I married who understands, and takes his place.
I can’t tell you how much rests on a man’s ability to take his place, both spiritually and naturally.
Just because a guy is good doesn’t mean he’s for you. There are millions of good men around, but not all of them can be your husband.
There’s a reason God created you the way He did – with all the values and strong, spirit-led desires that you have. Don’t take those desires for granted and don’t compromise on your values either.
I know there’s the voice of fear that says “Will I find another good guy if I let this one go?”
That fear is specially designed to keep people in the wrong relationships, and from experiencing God’s best for them.
You have your values and deal breakers for a reason! They’re there to guide you into making decisions that will serve you in the long run.
Do you know what your deal breakers are? If you don’t, you need to start identifying them now! It’s so important.
If you do, then don’t compromise on them. It is cruel to string someone along or even marry someone whom you really, deep down in your heart know you have no future with.
It’s great if they’ll let you be when you say a simple no, but some people need to hear the hard truth, for their own good and yours.
So yes, I told Femi the hard truth and although he found it hard to swallow at first, he came to terms with it. We remained friends, but it became very clear that being kind to him would mean that I had to stop hanging out with him. There was no way he would be able to move on from his feelings for me if I continued to entertain and spend time with him.
My charge to you today is this: Do the right thing!
I love you!