Growing up for me was interesting. Although I have only two biological siblings, I grew up with so many “aunties” and “uncles”, most of whom were not related to me. My parents love people. They love to be around people they consider their sons and daughters. They love the noise, the constant chatter and fun that come with having many people under one roof. They’re so large-hearted, my parents. I saw them invest their time, prayers, sweat, living space, money and emotional energy on many whom they saw as their spiritual children.

For the most part, growing up with that many people was fun – from sitting together to eat suya from the same newspaper wrap, to playing all sorts of games, to watching various shows on TV, to cracking all manner of inside jokes and coming up with silly nick names for each other – such fun memories I have!

As a child, I was still being formed. I was yet to come to a realization of who I was and as it is with any child, my perception of who I was, and my sense of self worth were greatly hinged on the opinions that those around me expressed.

I was the quietest of the three children. I was, in fact, extremely introverted. I was noticeably different from my siblings who were bubbly, outgoing and easy to fall in love with. I loved to stay indoors, with my head buried in a novel. Unlike my siblings who were science students, I loved arts and languages and I excelled there. Boy did I hate math! (Raise your hand if you’re in this club) I remember almost always bringing back my report sheet with the math row written in red. I used to fail that subject woefully.

I was also very chilled and never in a hurry. I guess you could say I was laidback. There were times this laidback nature got my parents and probably other adults around me irritated. It just seemed like I was lazy and liked my comfort zone.

There were several other things that were somewhat peculiar to me which the adults around me didn’t understand. Many of the things that made me different were expressed to me as weaknesses; and even the things that were indeed weaknesses weren’t just seen as such, but had now been made my identity.

So, for instance, I had someone look at my report sheet and call me an average student. Maybe it was an average performance, but rather than speak to the performance alone, my person was being labeled and that label stayed with me. I had someone say point blank “she does not know math”. That statement became such a reality for me that I was certain I could never do well in that subject and I really did struggle through it.
I had people label me “slow” because I was never in a rush and was quite laidback. I had people try to determine what I could or couldn’t do with my life based on what they thought were my strengths, weaknesses or limitations. I saw people pretty much write a script for my life.

Being a child is like being a sponge – you soak up everything and anything. You’re so malleable, you can be bent, shaped and twisted into anything and that’s why the things we experience as children go far into our future to either propel us to succeed or attempt to stand in the way of our success.

Little did I know that these words that had been spoken, these molds that had been made and these labels that had been put on me were seeds that had been planted in my heart and would cause me to have a distorted view of who I am and the huge potentials I carry.

So, lately, God has been dealing with me. He’s been saying “who told you that you can only do this and not that? Who told you this is a weakness? Who put this limitation on you? Who put this label on you? Not ME daughter, not ME”.

It has taken me a conscious effort to travel into my past, far into my childhood and even later years to begin a process of excavation – excavation of thoughts, ideas, opinions, words, seeds and labels that were not planted by God; daily, I fight to renew my mind and be reminded of the dynamite that I am!

Many of us have been conditioned to see ourselves in certain ways and through certain lenses. Our views about who we are, and what we can or cannot do have been shaped by some teacher, some aunty, some friend or even our well-intending parents. Some of us even have the degrees we have because someone somewhere thought that was what “fit” us.

No one has a right to label you who has not received a revelation of who you are. This, for someone, is a season of EXCAVATION. It’s time to uproot every seed of limitation, mediocrity, smallness and average mindedness that has been sown in our hearts. No, you’re not lazy. You’re not even shy. Yes, you can face that crowd and make that presentation with confidence. Never mind that they said you’re too loud or too forward. Never mind that they tried to shut you up or dim your light. You are not what they labeled you. You are phenomenal. You, like me, are dynamite! You can do absolutely anything God calls you to do whether or not you look the part. Please, be deliberate about not letting anyone label you, put you in a box, tell you what you can or cannot achieve or fit you into some existing mold.

Take some time to reflect on why you think the way you do, why you see yourself the way you do, what you consider your limitations and weaknesses. Often times, the things we think put us at a disadvantage are the very tools that God can use to propel us into all He has called us to be.

It is a continuous fight to live in the liberating truth of who God says you are; to decide not to settle for an inferior brand of who you really are – but, for everyday you choose to see yourself the way God does, you get one step closer to unleashing the mighty, mighty potential that is inside you!

Ponder on this:
• How have the opinions of those close to me defined the way I see myself?
• Are these opinions true?
• What steps can I take to excavate and redefine my identity?
Do share your thoughts with me!

A week ago, I was at a meeting where I heard a testimony that had a lasting impact on me. What God did was beyond amazing but this lady’s mindset and resolve really did blow my mind. I knew I had to write about it.

This is the testimony of a 53 year old lady who has never been married. She had become the scorn and object of ridicule by her family and those around her. She had been called names and her faith and walk with God had been questioned because she was unmarried at 53. She confessed that she honestly didn’t think she was ever going to get married. She didn’t think there was any hope for her. What were her chances at 53 anyway? She just kept serving God and doing the work He had called her to do.

Then one day, she received a word from God that she would indeed get married (during a previous edition of the meeting she was testifying in). She held on to the promise and then boom! Suitors everywhere! She had about 6 people trying to marry her. She went from being the woman no man ever said “hello” to, to being spoilt for choice. I imagine that it must have felt so surreal! Talk about “when the Lord turned the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dreamed”!

I wasn’t ready for the next part of her testimony. I had imagined that she simply chose the man she liked the most and agreed to marry him. This was far from the case though. She accounted that for every one of those men that came her way, she went to God and asked if they were His will for her. She said she knew the assignment God has given her to fulfill and she couldn’t jeopardise that calling by marrying the wrong man. She said if God said no, she would quickly move on. I was in my chair thinking “wow!” At 53, with all the ridicule and name-calling she had experienced, she still wasn’t under pressure to settle for less than God’s best!

We live in a world and particularly a culture where people say a lady’s chances of marrying her choice starts to diminish once she hits 30. At that age, the available starts to become the desirable, they say. If we’re honest, this mindset is what puts pressure on most of us. The pressure doesn’t even start at 30. Okay, let me speak for myself. The pressure for me probably started just before I turned 25! I just dreaded hitting 30 and not being married. This pressure was what led me to keep falling in and out of relationships, getting into so much drama, getting engaged to someone that should have never made it past hello, compromising my values and just being in a race that I had no business being in. I’m thankful that God eventually got my attention and put me back on course but honestly I went too far away from God’s plan for my life all because of pressure!

Let me just put it out there that the idea that a woman’s chances of marrying God’s best starts to diminish at 30 is a big fat lie. If you’re 30 and over reading this, I pray that you don’t buy this lie. People unwittingly say “oh her choices are limited when she hits that age”. Let me agree with them for a minute. Truth is, you’re not going to marry 10 men. You don’t need 10 men on your case. You just need “the one”. The right one. The one that God has prepared for you! Your husband is limited edition so having limited options is great! Who cares about limited options when the very one that God has prepared is right there?

One of the things that discovering your life’s purpose does for you, is to filter your options. You know that you cannot afford to marry someone that will be an inconvenience to your calling. Actually, purpose limits your options. It’s not because you’re not pretty enough or because you’ve hit a certain age. It’s because very few people can fit into God’s purpose for your life and support the call on your life. By “call”, I’m referring to whatever it is that God has called you to do.

There are things I know God has called me to do, stories of my life’s journey that He has called me to share that I cannot do and share without the backing of my husband. It would have been a disaster if I’d married a man who would not like the idea of what I’m called to do. Imagine the daily struggle I would have to go through. The lives that God has called me to touch are hinged on me marrying right! When I think of how many times I almost missed it, I shudder in gratitude to God for His redeeming love!

Sister, this isn’t a feel-good write up. This is what God taught me after I had tried so many times and failed to keep a relationship. It worked for me. It turned out that God had it all figured out. It looked like I was blowing up all my relationships and losing my options but God didn’t care about my options. He already had “the one” waiting for me.

Next time you hear someone talking about how ladies a certain age have limited options, do me a favour and ask them “Who cares about the options when The One has already been prepared?”

You never have to succumb to pressure. I know it gets hard when it feels like it’s just you left. At such times, read this post again, take a break from social media, focus on living life to the fullest, on loving and serving God and on discovering and walking in God’s purpose for your life. You never have to force the available to become the desirable. Remember that the marital decision is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life. God’s best is worth the wait! Marrying wrongly will leave you lonelier than you ever felt in your single life. Even when the options come, seek God’s counsel. Don’t be under pressure to jump at the first man that says hello. Let God lead you still. God loves you and He wants the very best for you.

I pray for anyone reading this that may be feeling alone and pressured. Maybe the pressure has caused you to be envious of others and you’ve lost your ability to rejoice when others are getting married. Maybe it’s caused to you constantly compare your life with others and wonder why your case has to be so different. I pray in the name of Jesus that the Lord reveals His heart for you, to you. That He calms you with His love and peace. That He brings you to a place of satisfaction in Him. That He speaks to you about His beautiful plans and purpose for your life and that you begin to run with it till you’re lost in it. And that in the most awesome, wonderful and awe-inspiring way, He brings you His very best for your life! I will read your testimony in Jesus name!

By the way, the 53 year old lady is now engaged to the love of her life and they’re currently planning their wedding.

God is ever faithful!

It was a rude shock. Unbelievable. Uncharacteristic of me. How could I be so cold, cruel almost? Was this really me? What had changed me? Where did I find the courage to do this? The two-month old engagement ring glistened at him from the sofa I’d placed it on – proof that our two-year relationship was indeed over.

Unfettered. Liberated. Free. At peace. These are some words that may describe how I felt that night, nevermind the rollercoaster ride of emotions I would have to sort through in the following months.

Two years. It took me two whole years to end a relationship that I knew I should never have ventured into. It was clear from Day One that we lived by a different set of values and that I had no business getting into the relationship but I was already infatuated, smitten by his looks and smoothness. Besides, I was a nice girl so somehow, I would work things out.

There were red flags and signs everywhere. As the relationship progressed, it was clearer than ever before that I’d missed it, yet I could never bring myself to end things. I was a nice girl. I would work this out.

By now, you’re probably wondering what being nice has to do with anything. Aren’t we supposed to be nice? Doesn’t being nice equate being good? I will answer these but first, let me tell you a little more about how I was.

You see, like most people, I naturally wanted to be liked, loved and accepted by everyone. I avoided conflict and confrontation by all means. I hated to be the reason anyone was upset much less someone I was in a relationship with. I would rather suppress by feelings for the sake of peace than express my displeasure. I carried a lot of baggage and thought it was okay – after all, it was for the greater good. I was always agreeable, peaceable (not that this is a bad thing), and well, just nice. I understand that for a relationship to be healthy and work out, there is need for both parties involved to be willing to bend over backwards. In my case though, I wasn’t just bending over backwards, I was contouring myself into various forms, shapes and sizes so I could fit into the profile of a nice, almost perfect girl. I was losing myself so I could please someone else. If he liked a certain genre of music, it automatically became my favourite. I could give up on doing other things I would have loved to do just so I could spend all the time with him. I would never voice my desire to do something other than spend time with him for fear that he would take it the wrong way and I would hurt him. I also never wanted to be seen as flawed in anyway. I wanted to be loved and accepted and I felt the only way to achieve this was to hide my flaws and imperfections and only “put my best foot forward” at all times. In summary, I wanted to be seen as perfect. I wanted anyone I was with to truly feel blessed and as though he had hit a jackpot.

What I didn’t realise was that my niceness was costing me a lot. A whole lot!

For one, it was costing me my very essence, my uniqueness, and my authenticity. Because I craved this love and acceptance so much, I gave up my individuality and wanted to become like this person. I felt pretending to like the same things he did would somehow cause us to connect on a deeper level. I lost me.

Second, it cost me my inner peace. Because I was always so worried about causing conflict or friction, I was constantly on the edge – always filtering things in my mind to avoid problems.

Third, being “nice” made me very resentful. Irony right? We’re supposed to feel good when we’ve done something nice right? Stay with me on this. I became resentful because deep down, I didn’t want to do those things! I just did them to make this other person happy and to be seen as a really nice girl. For example, I would cancel prior engagements because he had asked to hang out. I would never say “Do you mind if we rescheduled so I can honour this other engagement?” I would just cancel whatever else. Then whenever he chose something else over spending time with me, I would be livid and resentful because he didn’t cancel his plans for me! I was just always really angry and bitter deep inside. What then was the point of this niceness?

Fourth, it cost me my time and his. It really didn’t have to take me two years to end things. I was just just too scared, timid, cowardly, in other words, too nice to end things. I worried about appearing to be a bad person, how horrible he would feel, wondered what others would say about my broken engagement after putting up photos on BBM! I ended up doing more harm than good because I wasted both our time, broke his heart as I could have ended things long before he proposed, and generally just created a messy, messy situation. Now, I’m glad God eventually helped me out of that relationship but I’m saying it didn’t have to take that long and cause as much damage.

Finally, it cost me my relationship with God. I became lost – I compromised my values and was headed for destruction until God rescued me from myself and the entire situation! I’m thankful for His steadfast love that came chasing after me!

We often confuse the commandment to love with the desire to please. 1 Corinthians 13 outlines the characteristics of love. Nowhere does it say “Love is being nice” Being nice does not equate being good. You can smile, be pleasant, polite and be downright resentful and bitter. I’ll pick a good person over a nice person anyday. If you’re good, you tell the truth even when it’s not nice to hear. You do the right thing even when you can be misjudged and misunderstood. It’s natural to want to be liked, to want to see your relationship work. What’s not healthy is when this desire to be liked takes over your entire being. God created you unique, authentic and the way you are for a reason. He doesn’t want you become someone else just to be seen as nice. He doesn’t want you to lose your value and worth just to be seen as nice.

Nice is the reason many people stay for months and years in relationships they don’t want to be in. Nice will cause you to be a terrible heartbreaker because you would have given so much of yourself, worn out yourself, changed so much of who you are and then realised far too late that you can’t do this anymore. One day, you’ll just be tired and won’t be able to take it anymore. Then like me, you’ll just up and leave. It will even be more painful then. Being a good person means that you take responsibility for your life and peace, do the right thing at the right time and stop stringing someone else along. I know you worry about how the other party will feel – trust me they will be fine. Trust that they’re able to sort through their emotions and be okay. If you think that sounds selfish then Proverbs 4:23 must be endorsing this type of selfishness. It says to guard your heart ABOVE ALL ELSE! (NLT)

Realise that you’ll never feel wholly loved and deeply connected in any relationship, romantic or otherwise if you’re hiding parts of yourself. By all means, work on your weaknesses but give yourself permission to be imperfect. The more of your true self you’re able to share with someone, the deeper the connection you’ll share. We are all flawed, all work in progress. God’s love remains despite our flaws and this is how He designed love to operate – faults and all. Actually, be deliberate about sharing your shortcomings. If you’ve been having it all smooth in your relationship, it’s okay to take out time to discuss your weaknesses. I did this exercise while I was courting my husband and it was liberating! It was liberating to be open and honest about my flaws while recognising that my husband was flawed too and we could love each other regardless, while working towards being better people.

Being nice and seeking acceptance can cost you a lot like it did me. It can cause you to fall right into the deep pit of sexual sin, drugs, alcohol. You just won’t know how you got to that point. It can cause you to do the very things you’ve judged others over; things you’ve never imagined you could do. You can lose your very soul trying to be nice.

You weren’t made for every type of person. You don’t have to be liked by every guy. You don’t have to change your values, lower your expectations, change your preferences, suppress your feelings, hide your displeasure just to be seen as a nice person.

Be you without apologies. I know it takes a while to get to that point but if you’ll stay committed to being you, working it out one day at a time, you’ll eventually be able to hold your own and say no when you need to, end that relationship when you have to or even refuse to start that relationship you know isn’t meant for you.

Remember, guard your heart above all else. All else includes how you think he may feel if you break up, say no, or whatever else. He will be fine. We will all be fine in the end!

There’s so much more in my experience that I could share. I really could go on and on and write an entire book on this! If you struggle in this area and would like to talk, please free to reach out to me. You can slide into my DM on IG @tosin_yemisanni or Facebook: Oluwatosin Yemi-Sanni. I’ll be happy to hold your hands through the journey to becoming the most authentic version of you (I am still on this journey and we can journey together!) and experiencing the joy and freedom that comes with it!

Till the next post, know that you are loved and valued, just the way you are!

The question hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat there tongue-tied, realizing that I honestly didn’t have an answer to the question that had been asked.  “Tosin” she asked me, “What is your conviction about this relationship?” As I write, I do not remember what my response to that question was. What I do remember is that it was an awkward moment for me; one that made me very uncomfortable. Somewhere in my mind, I argued that this question was too deep, unnecessary and uncalled for. I mean he was a good guy and things were moving along okay. Couldn’t I just hang on to that? Wasn’t that reason enough to be in a relationship and eventually get married? Why do people have to be so extra over these things?

As the day went by though, the question kept replaying in my head. The realization of the fact that I had no convictions whatsoever began to set in, making me almost cringe in embarrassment. I really was just going with the tides, moving in whatever direction I thought things were going. I had been in this relationship for a couple of months and in all honesty, things had been going okay. He was a decent guy, Christian, and wasn’t there to play games. I thought this was enough but was it really? God would later provide the answer to that question.

I looked up the word “Conviction” and Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “a strong persuasion or belief; the state of being convinced”. I clearly didn’t have the strong persuasion described in this definition. A time came when the boat of our relationship was rocked by stormy waves and my lack of conviction came to the fore. You see, the way you pray when you already have a conviction about something or a situation is different from the way you pray when you don’t. Because I never got a word or a go-ahead from God at the start of that relationship, I began to ask God for a word and a sign when things came crashing. At this point, I was asking for a word under duress and could have heard wrongly or assumed God was speaking when it was indeed my flesh. The noise of my pain and confusion was enough to drown out the voice of God. If I’d had my conviction from the start, I could have held on to it while praying and reminding God that He had given me this conviction. I could have begun to tackle the problem from a standpoint of internal rest and peace even in the midst of chaos.

God eventually made it clear to me that He hadn’t asked me to go into this relationship in the first place. Over the years, I have come to understand how important it is to have a conviction before taking important steps. There’s something called “the courage of (one’s) convictions”. This means “to have the confidence to act or behave in accordance with one’s beliefs or ideologies, especially in the face of resistance, criticism or persecution” (thefreedictionary.com). I have come to know that your convictions become of great importance when the storms of life hit your relationship or marriage. The storms are real! And they do not always mean that you made the wrong decision or didn’t get God’s approval. In fact, the more godly, the more the attack. One of the things that keep you strong and going on in the face of challenges in marriage is your original conviction. It’s the one thing you can hold on to and say “Lord, this is what you told me. This is the man you gave me”. It’s so relieving and calming to be able to take God’s word concerning your relationship or marriage back to him. You can rest assured that because He led you there, He will work things out.

When I met my husband in January 2016, I wanted that conviction badly. I genuinely wanted a word; not just so I could boldly tell anyone, but because I knew I would need it for the long marital journey ahead   if he was to be “the one”. Sure enough, God gave me a word! Today, I still see what God told me playing out in my marriage. Like any other couple, we have our differences and challenges, but like the Psalmist, I can boldly say that even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death in this marriage, I will fear no evil. Why? Because, even if I know nothing else, I know for sure, indeed for certain, that God is with us! And really, that’s all we need to conquer each and every time!

Getting your conviction is really not a tough task. The Spirit of God is always willing and available to lead us into all truth and speak to our hearts if we truly open up to Him without having our own agendas. It’s really simple. If you would acknowledge Him before you embark on that relationship, He will speak to your heart and direct your path. I’ve never heard God audibly and you may never either, but He will quicken His word in your heart. It could be when you’re studying the Word, reading a book, or a scripture that comes to mind as a response while you’re seeking God. His ways are limitless but one thing you can be sure of is that with His leading comes peace.

To conclude the story I started with, fast forward to about six months later when I told my friend about my now husband, she asked me the same question: “Tosin, what is your conviction”. With my head held high, my shoulders square and a smile on my face, I told her what I’d heard from God about this man and this relationship. She would later tell me that she never felt convinced or at peace about the other guy but her spirit was in agreement with my husband (I believe she has a discerning spirit). Loved one, there’s nothing that gives more peace than knowing for sure that you are right where God wants you to be.

So, today I ask you: “What’s your conviction?”

Just like any other young woman, who is still single in her late twenties, I have traveled far and near celebrating my friends and even friends of friends as they say I do to their “best friends.” Weddings aren’t cheap for couples and as we speak, wedding guests share in the expense by having to buy the best outfits, pay for flight tickets and accommodation as necessary. So after a while, it’s natural to become weary of the idea of celebrating everyone else without knowing when your turn will come or if it will ever come. I personally have gone on tangents asking God all the questions in the world, to be able to figure out why I was still making the trip to everyone’s wedding and wasn’t getting the reward of my own significant other. But then, I realized that God isn’t intimidated by how I feel and what I think. His plan for my life would unravel in ways beyond my imagination and that would be in His own time. One thing I’d like people to know is that God is very detailed and intentional. He doesn’t do things for the sake of it or just because we want Him to. He will do His good pleasures for us based on what He’s intended before the foundation of the earth. He owed me no responses as to why I was single but allowed me the opportunity to discover and live out the truest version of myself. It’s very difficult to give someone access to your life without having spent time with yourself to discover who you really are. I have my moments of wonderland (as in wondering if something was wrong me that’s why I’m single). But every time I feel that way, I know it’s a distraction because the truth is nothing is wrong with me and I won’t take a salary to believe otherwise. Of course, people constantly ask me are you talking to anyone? Is anyone making advances at you? Do you go out enough to meet people? You live in New York City why haven’t you met anyone? I have the same facial expression every time alongside the response “if I could, I would have married myself. However, I can’t. So I choose to wait.” Over the years I have gotten better at not letting those questions weigh me down or entertain any insinuations that make me feel less of myself. The truth is people don’t come to New York City to get married, I’ll put that out there. I am enjoying my season as much as my married friends are enjoying theirs. I take pleasure in hearing their experiences and continue to uphold their homes in prayer. But I refuse to put my life on hold just because…….

Now, even the average person knows that once you make up your mind to pursue a particular path, challenges will surface without an invitation. It’s our responsibility to decide ahead of time what our responses to challenges will be. As a single woman, I used to struggle with trying to figure out every time “if this guy one is the one or that other guy is the one.” Like making every single guy who comes close to me a potential in my head. It didn’t take long to realize how exhausting that is. As women, we have natural instincts that allow us to know in a short amount of time if we can spend the rest of our lives with someone or not. So it ends up being disappointing when all the potentials in my head ended up not being the “one.” I learned very quickly to channel my energy toward enjoying good friendships with guys without worrying about whether or not they are the one for me.
The other side of being single is dealing with societal pressure. I know within the context of our culture I am an endangered species for being single at almost 30. Yet, it is a choice to wake up each day refusing to react to pressure. As important as marriage is, it’s not the only thing in the world I have to think about. I’ve had to work hard ALL my life to get to where I am at, of course not without the grace of God. So, I won’t let a society that doesn’t know if I have food on the table or not detects if I should be happy or sad. I don’t mind reminding myself 100 times a day there are bigger problems in the world that I can be a solution to instead of throwing tantrums about being single. Every day isn’t as easy as it sounds but it’s doable with focus and discipline.

Next to making Jesus Lord of my life, I think one of the best things I’ve done for myself is discovered and walking in my life’s purpose. Everyone in the world has a specific assignment with their name on it. Needless to say how life-changing it is to know your assignment and fully walk in it. Identity and purpose isn’t a formula to pacify your need for a husband or any other relationship for that matter. But it does save tons of energy invested in worrying about something you have no control over. I can’t wake up tomorrow morning and go get anybody to become my husband, what I can do is relentlessly pursue the dream God has placed in my heart. The caution here is not replacing my need for a relationship with chasing dreams because that will mean finding my worth in what I do. I have learned the art of separating who I am as an individual from what I do. I know single women are tired of hearing the advice given to them about keep pursuing your dreams and one day wedding will happen. I share in their pain and can relate in every way. Here is what I’ll say about that, do the things you do first to honor God, then to satisfy your longing to be used by Him and lastly for the people that are to benefit from what you do.

In mathematics, the formula for finding the sides of a rectangle or square always leads to the same outcome. I don’t think it is the same with waiting for a relationship or marriage to happen. What has helped me over these years is constantly evaluating my motives. If I run as hard I as do in life thinking that will validate me for marriage, I’ll be running in vain. Someone should love you for you. I want to remain validated in God even when I no longer do what I do now.
There is so much to enjoy in life. The key is knowing your identity and your assignment. Some days are going to come with whirlwinds of trouble, discouragement, doubts, and fear. Your response to all these is what determines where you abide. If you’ve spent your days longing and worrying about becoming a wife, then you’ll be sidetracked by your emotions. BRING ALL DISTRACTIONS UNDER THE BLOOD, YOU GOT THIS!

One of my biggest tools has been accountability. Surround yourself with authentic friends and mentors (whether that’s a pastor or some authority God has placed in your life). I used the word authentic because it is necessary to have people who genuinely care about you and can be honest with no other motives but to see you at your best in life. I have no intention of sounding like a saint, but I value friendships and I don’t I have a friend who would say I have not made sacrifices for the sake of investing in our friendship. Not until two years ago where I noticed a pattern in my life: I had some friends who didn’t value me the same way I valued them. I’ll go to ends of the world even when I didn’t have the means to do so. But I noticed it wasn’t the same with them. They’ll do things because it’s convenient for them – sacrifice was far-fetched. It became a cycle of hurt (I didn’t this share with anyone, but would just brush it off like every other pain I’ve had to overcome). In order to heal from anything, it’s important you look out for patterns that need to be discontinued. I did just that! I noticed my friends were not wrong, they only treated me the way I offered myself to them. Stay with me for a second, I am going somewhere. I shared this to say having a significant other will not improve your self-esteem or how you allow people to treat you. When close friends hurt me, it will almost feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. It would feel like I have lost something I could not do without. Then I’ll start attributing it to the fact that I wasn’t in a relationship. I would tell myself that one-day things will be different when I have a man (thank God for a renewed way of thinking). Now, this is where the authenticity of your relationships will play a key role: I reached out to a good friend and asked a series of questions while being transparent about the things I was dealing with. This was the first time I had allowed a friend to rebuke me, yet I felt like a burden lifted off my shoulders. He told me exactly what I needed to hear. He didn’t need to advise me on what to do. There was so much clarity in that conversation and I rehearsed something one of my mentors had told me “people that treat you as an option shouldn’t be your priority.” What has this got to do with waiting with grace? A whole lot, my dear friends! A lot more than we are willing to admit. I would have walked into a relationship thinking it would automatically fix the dynamics of other relationships in my life. You and I know that’s not true. Being single is a good opportunity to know yourself, have your identity rooted in the One who loved you enough to give His life for you and build something on earth that heaven can ride on to fulfill God’s purposes across the world. If marriage is what you desire, then that makes you and me. But first delight yourself WHOLLY in the Lord. With no shadow of a doubt, He’ll grant your heart’s desire. Remember, God wants you to be married more than you even desire to.

About Favour:

Favour Ikome is the Founder and Executive Director of Raising a Generation of Esthers Foundation. She was born in Cameroon and presently resides in New York City. Favour is a woman of inspiring courage and immense leadership. Under her leadership, RGE Foundation provides scholarships, mentoring and leadership development opportunities for young women in Cameroon. So as to continue expanding the scope of her organization’s influence on women, Favour recently picked on a new line of interest as Creative Director for Beautiful You Closet – a clothing line she co-founded with her sister. 15% of the proceeds from all purchases go toward funding education for schoolgirls. Her passion for influencing her generation paves the way for Favour to speak and host events designed to encourage, train and equip women. Thus giving her the opportunity to teach a group of UN employees at the United Nations Head Quarters. Also, she is a brand ambassador for SALUD hair and body products by Dr. Rigo, while working on staff as office manager at Every Nation New York City.

When I woke up from that dream terribly scared rather than excited, I knew something was wrong. You see, no form of fear comes from God, not even the fear of missing out on His will or His voice. Wanting God’s will to a point where you’re living in constant fear and suspicion does not make you a spiritual person. I realized that being afraid that I would miss God’s will was not proof of my love for God, rather it was proof that I didn’t trust that God was leading me.

As I spent time studying God’s word, it became so clear to me that even much more than I wanted God’s will, He wanted to lead me. The Bible says in Romans 8:14-16 that as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. It goes on to say that we have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear and that God’s Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God! (This is really paraphrased and I would encourage you to read the scripture). How amazing! Simply put, because we are the children of God, we are led by His Spirit!

One of the scriptures that also really freed me from fear is Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”. Pause right there. Read again. This scripture can easily be misread and misinterpreted. I got to understand that this verse isn’t saying that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, then He will fulfill every flimsy and fleshly desire of our hearts. No, it actually means that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will place in us (give us) the desires of our hearts! And when the desires of our hearts are placed in there by God, they will be granted! Awesome!

So I began to ask myself “Am I a child of God?” Answer was yes. This qualified me to be led by God. I also asked myself “am I truly and honestly delighting myself in Him?” The answer was yes. This meant that it was God that placed in me this desire to get married and it was He who had given me peace about this man.

There are countless scriptures on being led by God. (John 10:4-5, Psalm 32:8, Isaiah 48:27 to mention a few). I encourage you to search God’s word. You’re entitled to divine direction as a believer. It’s not something you should be afraid of.

In knowing God’s will though, it’s important to ask yourself some questions and be very honest in answering them. You see, it’s hard for God to lead a soul that is not fully yielded to Him. I was able to stand on God’s word and know that He was leading me to marry my husband because I had come to a point where I could say for sure that I was TOTALLY surrendered to God. I was at a point where if God told me Yemi (my husband) was not the one, I would gladly turn around and shut that door. I wanted to please God more than I wanted a husband. I was truly delighting myself in the Lord and He was placing His desires in my heart. So my question to you is this and please don’t give a religious answer. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you search your heart. This is so important. Have you truly let go in total surrender to God? Do you delight in Him more than in your desire to be with that man? If God told you to let that relationship go, would you say “Yes Lord, I know your plans for me are better than my plans for myself?”.

If you can truly answer yes to the questions above, then you’re at a place where your heart is tender enough to receive direction from God. When He brings a man your way and he’s in alignment with God’s standard for you, you don’t need to be afraid. If God has given you peace, then prayerfully move ahead, trusting that because you’re God’s child and you delight in Him, He is leading you. He will protect your heart. He will guide you. And even if for some reason it does not turn out the way you expect, you will still have peace because you know you involved God all the way and that this is only a test as there’s greater to come.

If however, you’re struggling to answer the questions above, then please ask God to work on your heart. Ask Him to take you to a place of surrender. To a place where you seek Him above all else. To a place where your delight is in Him. This is a sure foundation for walking in God’s will.

The truth of God’s word was what set me free from fear and now, even in other areas of my life when I have a desire to do or pursue something, I check my motives. I ask myself if I’m truly delighting myself in the Lord above this desire and if I would be okay if God said “no”. I also check if this thing I’m about to do would bring glory to God. If I can confidently answer yes, then I move forward, trusting that God is leading me because I’m His child. Many of us will never get to hear God’s voice audibly, but He’s ever near to lead and guide us as we surrender to Him.

For the child of God, knowing and being in God’s will should be one of the easiest things. As you delight yourself in Him and in His Word, He will place in you His own desires. Those desires become yours, and then He grants them. You will experience the joy, peace and freedom that comes with being led by God.

You don’t have to be afraid of missing God. You just focus on truly loving Him, being surrendered to Him and delighting in Him and you will be amazed at how much in the centre of His will you will be!

It had been a beautiful dream and I was supposed to wake up excited, thankful and claiming it by faith. Strangely, the reverse was the case. I woke up scared and worried, almost feeling like I had no right to experience something that beautiful.

This must have been in February, 2016. I had just met my husband a month prior and our friendship was progressing pretty well. I knew in my heart that this was it but I was very careful not to get emotionally entangled too soon. Experience had taught me better. This time, I was going to wait on the Lord and receive clearance from Him. If God wasn’t going to be with me in this, I would turn around in the blink of an eye. I had learnt the hard way.

You see, in the past, I had done things my own way. I was always already neck-deep in the relationship before I would rather hypocritically pray about it (Seriously, what’s the point in asking God for direction when you’ve already made up your mind and are going your own way?). Those relationships always failed and I know they did because I never truly trusted God. I was always led by my emotions and ended up falling short of God’s will for me.

Speaking about God’s will. I always hated it when I told my mum about a potential husband and she would say “Well, let the will of God be done”. I always took that as a “No”. I felt like this whole God’s will thing was just too stressful and difficult to attain. I just couldn’t be patient enough to present a guy I liked before God and wait for direction. The whole thing just seemed too cumbersome. Besides, when you’re physically entangled, you know deep in your heart that you’ve strayed from God’s will and that makes you not even want to involve God. At least I knew this even if I wouldn’t admit it.

By the time I faced several brick walls and failed relationships and God had dealt with my heart, I started to truly and genuinely want His will. Desiring God’s will was a good thing. What was bad was that I wanted God’s will so badly that I started to live in the fear of missing out on God’s will for my life. I wanted to please God so badly that I was scared to make a mistake and marry wrongly.

Now back to the dream. I had dreamt of my wedding day. It was beautiful. I looked gorgeous. There was joy and peace in the atmosphere and I had happily said “I do”. When I woke up, rather than be excited, I felt fearful. I felt like it couldn’t happen for me that easily. I felt like I had to labour some more, fast and pray for weeks to be able to say that I was indeed in God’s will.

Soon enough, I realized that this was not God’s plan for me as His child! I began to see that God wanted to lead me even more than I wanted to be led by Him. God has called us to a life of rest and peace, not a life of fear of missing out on His will. I struggled when I wasn’t involving God. Now that I was involving God, I wasn’t supposed to struggle!

Whew! I hadn’t realized how long this post would be when I started writing. I have decided to break it into two parts. In the next post, I will talk about how I overcame my fear of missing God’s will, understanding how simple and easy it is to walk in God’s will and living in the peace that comes with walking in divine direction.

Till then, know that I love you and look forward to hearing your testimonies.