Tosin Sanni's Official Blog

Tosin Sanni's Official Blog

Tag: relationship

Just Give Me a Reason!

September 2, 2020 /

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for others is to be brutally honest with them.

Let me tell you about this thing Femi (real name withheld) and I once had going on.

Femi was a guy I had been friends with for a while. He was newly born again and growing in his walk with the Lord. I enjoyed talking, hanging out and just being friends with him, but then I started to notice that he was “falling in love.”

He wanted to take our friendship to the next level, but I just couldn’t see it working out. It’s not like there was anything wrong with him but I viewed him and “us” through the lens of my deal breakers, and one in particular screamed “no, Tosin, this is not for you!”

The more he tried, the clearer I put it across to him that although I liked being friends with him, I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

One evening, we sat in the outdoor area of a fast food restaurant, eating ice cream and chatting playfully about a myriad of things.

Femi suddenly grew quiet and in one intense moment of desire, desperation, and frustration, he looked piercingly into my eyes and said, “Tosin, why won’t you give me… give us a chance?”

A part of me was exhausted that he was still going there – still asking this question. Hadn’t I told him severally that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him? Why was he still pushing this?

Then I realized my fault. He needed a reason I hadn’t given him a real one. I hadn’t helped him see how being in a relationship with or marrying him wouldn’t align with something was was super important to me.

I knew in that moment that I had to tell him the truth.

I stared back at him and without flinching said “Femi, you can’t lead me. I can’t follow you. And leadership is very important to me.”

Ouch. I know! It must have stung. But it was a liberating moment for both of us. I didn’t mean to bruise his ego and to be honest, what I said didn’t mean he didn’t have any leadership qualities.

It just meant that I didn’t see him leading me the way I knew I needed to be led. He would no doubt make a fantastic husband for his wife one day, just not for me.

Now that I’m married, and with everything we’ve been through in our 3 years plus of marriage, I see very clearly why God imprinted so strongly in my heart, a desire to marry a man who could truly stand in his place as a leader in our home.

Many things that we have overcome so easily have been first, because of God’s grace and then because of this man I married who understands, and takes his place.

I can’t tell you how much rests on a man’s ability to take his place, both spiritually and naturally.

Just because a guy is good doesn’t mean he’s for you. There are millions of good men around, but not all of them can be your husband.

There’s a reason God created you the way He did – with all the values and strong, spirit-led desires that you have. Don’t take those desires for granted and don’t compromise on your values either.

I know there’s the voice of fear that says “Will I find another good guy if I let this one go?”

That fear is specially designed to keep people in the wrong relationships, and from experiencing God’s best for them.

You have your values and deal breakers for a reason! They’re there to guide you into making decisions that will serve you in the long run.

Do you know what your deal breakers are? If you don’t, you need to start identifying them now! It’s so important.

If you do, then don’t compromise on them. It is cruel to string someone along or even marry someone whom you really, deep down in your heart know you have no future with.

It’s great if they’ll let you be when you say a simple no, but some people need to hear the hard truth, for their own good and yours.

So yes, I told Femi the hard truth and although he found it hard to swallow at first, he came to terms with it. We remained friends, but it became very clear that being kind to him would mean that I had to stop hanging out with him. There was no way he would be able to move on from his feelings for me if I continued to entertain and spend time with him.

My charge to you today is this: Do the right thing!

I love you!

Finding Your Way Home (Return Series – III)

September 4, 2019 /

When you can no longer navigate your way going forward, you can always come back home.

God just impressed it on my heart that one of the biggest mistakes we make when we’re battling sin is first of all trying to break free before returning to Him. I understand why. This is what religion has taught us. Religion has taught us that we have to be worthy before we can approach our Father; that we have to be clean and without blemish to be able to access His presence; that we have to first deal with, and overcome the sin we’re battling before approaching Him. This is why we (the church) turn up our noses when we see certain people lifting their hands in worship on Sunday. “Hmm isn’t she sleeping with Brother Samson? Such hypocrisy” We need to be imparted with the spirit of shut up. You don’t know their struggle! You don’t know where they are in their relationship with God. You are not the judge of all the earth. God is!

In summary, religion teaches that we have to perfect before we can come to Him. This would have been true if the precious blood of Jesus wasn’t spilled on that old, rugged cross, making atonement for ALL our imperfections and presenting us FOREVER faultless before the Father! Because the voice of religion has rung louder than that of Christ’s finished work in our heads, every time we fall short and give in to sin, our guilt and shame stand as barriers and prevent us from approaching God’s presence. It is not our sin that stands between us and God. It is our guilt and shame. This is so important to note.

For God’s children (and you are God’s child if you’ve accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior whether or not you are currently deep in sin) sin has been forever dealt with in Jesus! Guess what? Even for the unbeliever – someone who hasn’t put their faith in Jesus, their sin has been dealt with. It was one sacrifice, for ALL sins and for ALL time! So, for the unbeliever, it really isn’t sin that will send him to hell –it is refusal to accept Christ’s forgiveness and the gift of life that He gives by faith in Him. See what God’s word says in Hebrews 10:12

‘But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. ‘

And Hebrews 10:14
‘For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.’

Religion has made us believe that Jesus only paid for the sins we committed before we became born-again but not the ones we commit after we accept Christ. That’s not even scriptural! As we see in the scripture above, Jesus’ sacrifice is good for ALL time! That sacrifice is good for you right now even in the thick of your mess.

I love how the second scripture says “by that one offering, he FOREVER made perfect those who are being made holy”. So, even right now, you are perfect! This perfection is forever. This perfection is not based on what you do or don’t do. It is a perfection imparted on you by faith in the Perfect One. It is about a perfect sacrifice that was made for you by a perfect God! When God sees you, he doesn’t see your faults. He sees Jesus. Friend, Jesus is standing tall in you! Don’t you see that there’s no reason to run away from the Father? Don’t cheat yourself out! Embrace this too-good-to-be-true love that Jesus offers you. God is not mad at you. He’s not even disappointed in you. His love runs deeper than your mess.

I pray so earnestly that you come to an understanding of the depth of this love. This revelation will free you from any chain faster than trying to do things right on your own ever could! If you really want to be free, you have to begin to think differently. God’s love is so wide, all the mess you can ever make is drowned in it; it’s so high your failures could never reach it. God’s word says that His love endures FOREVER! Your sin is no match for this love! God’s love is a whole feast. It’s not subject to portion control!

I can write an entire book on God’s love for me. It was God’s love and a revelation of His grace that freed me from sin and empowered me to live righteous. I know this because I struggled so hard to live right while I still had a wrong mindset. Even after I had left the toxic relationship that I was in and later moved on to another relationship, I still struggled to be sexually pure (I didn’t have sex anymore but that didn’t mean I was sexually pure. They are different things).
It was when I came to a full grasp of the finished work of Christ and no longer allowed guilt and condemnation to stand in the way of my relationship with the Father that I really began to experience true freedom from sin. The more I saw myself as righteous regardless of my failings, the less I fell. My actions began to align with my thoughts and confessions! I experienced such freedom that when I met my husband, staying pure was not a struggle. We had our first kiss on the altar, before God and His witnesses on our wedding day! That’s what understanding God’s love and grace can do! God’s love and grace will do for you what strong will and resolve cannot! An understanding of God’s love and grace will not just change your outward behavior; it will change your inner desires. You will desire nothing but to please Him. Your heart will swell with a desire to love and please a God that can love you so unconditionally and so timelessly.

My first counsel is, grow in the knowledge of God’s love. Know that your dignity runs deeper than your failings. Beat these things called guilt and shame with God’s word. There is no condemnation for you at all! Even if you fall, still say “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! Lord, I thank you because you paid for this sin already. I receive and embrace your forgiveness” Soon, you will find that your actions will line up with your thinking and your words. Remember, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7)

As you strengthen your relationship with the Lord, it’s also important that you find someone to talk to – a mentor, or a wise and spiritually sound friend. If you’re trying to walk away from a relationship, the natural tendency is to want to isolate yourself. You just want to crawl into your shell and stay by yourself. You don’t want to deal with anyone asking you questions, judging you or showing disappointment. I went through this season too but I realized that I wanted to be free so bad that I didn’t care if someone would be disappointed. What was important to me was that I found someone who was mature, trustworthy, had the spirit of God and of course whom I knew wouldn’t judge me. I also needed them to be someone I held in high regards and would listen to as well as be accountable to. This made a world of difference for me and it will for you too. You need that support from at least one person. So, think about it. Who can you talk to? I’m here if you need me!

There’s no pretending here, ending even a toxic relationship can be hard – but when you’ve invested time strengthening your relationship with the Lord, when you know why you’re doing what you’re doing; when you begin to see how much more there is to your life than this mess that is trying to hold you bound, then you will have an inner excitement about the fact that you’re about to break free! God is jealous over you. The destiny and assignment that God has for your life is so great and the enemy is not happy about it at all. This is not just about ending an ungodly relationship. This is a battle for your purpose, destiny and future. So even though Jesus stands tall in you and presents you faultless before God, if you allow him, the enemy can still wage war against the future that God has ordained for you. Give him no place!

It’s important to be spiritually, mentally and emotionally prepared when you’re about to end this relationship. You must know that there’s nothing you can say to make the other person feel better about the break up. You are the one doing the break up and there’s nothing you can say to make them feel better. Truth is it’s not your job to make them feel better. You have to deal with this fact. Be prepared for guilt trips, tears and things like that. Make it quick, but make it very clear. You don’t want to leave the door ajar; you want to completely shut that door. Don’t say things like “I really do love you but…” or “It’s not you, it’s me”. Please do not extend your hand of friendship. No, you cannot be friends at all! If he (or she) asks if you still love them, let them know that you will not provide answers to such questions. For some situations, you will need to be brutal for the sake of your future. You are snatching your destiny!

Also, be sure to meet at a neutral place – somewhere public enough not to be alone but private enough to keep your conversation so. Do not meet at either person’s house! You don’t want to put yourself in a compromising situation. Of course, remember to ask for the help of the Holy Spirit before doing this. He always helps!

Do ask them to respect this decision and not make it any harder for either party by not calling or texting. You cannot move on from this if you’re still taking their calls or chatting back and forth. This has to be final. Please unfollow them on social media. This is not immaturity. This is you guarding your heart and applying it unto wisdom.

At this point, please note that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s so important that you focus on healing and moving on and that you’re not pressured to start calling all your friends and telling them stuff. Except you are sure to receive encouragement, prayers and support from a trusted friend, you really do not have an obligation to most people to tell them anything.

I say this because often times we don’t tell our friends or just anyone the entire story and because they don’t have the full picture of things, they may try to intervene on the other person’s behalf. Well-intending friends will ask you if you can just try to work it out. Someone insinuated to me that if I really ended this relationship, it would look like I had a problem. You need to guard your heart so carefully and ensure that you’re not taken back to Egypt! I know they want to help but they can help you into error. So, be wise. If family is involved, do let them know your decision and respectfully ask them to support you on this healing journey.

The process of healing isn’t always a painless one. As a matter of fact, with healing sometimes come bouts of pain and discomfort. I’m aware that there are so many different scenarios that can play out in situations like this but one thing holds instructive for all – let whatever pain you may feel drive you deep into a secret place with your Father, not back to where you’re coming from. This is so important.

Please don’t give into the temptation to run into the arms of another man. This is another typical struggle we face after ending a relationship. If you’re quick to go into another relationship without allowing God to heal you, fill the void and make you strong in Him, you are likely to begin another cycle of sin and toxic relationships. This is so even if you’re starting a relationship with a believer. Because you are vulnerable and not completely whole, you may throw yourself at him and find yourself compromising again. Don’t be under pressure. Don’t ever let the fear of not finding a good man or never getting married cause you to fall into another error. Those fears are not even real. God’s very best is still ahead of you! You haven’t blown God’s plans for your life – you’re not that powerful. You will get married to a fantastic, godly man! Settle that in your heart and be at peace.

It’s time to get busy doing the right things. Get busy serving in church, hang out with friends, do fun stuff, travel if you can! Life is what you make of it in this season! You are free to live! If there was ever a time when you needed a company of sisters that you could lean on, a safe haven, a place where you could draw strength and grow in your relationship with God, that time is now. I’m happy to recommend my own network of amazing sisters! We’re called Abby’s Place! More than I can tell, this platform has been a blessing to me. It has helped me heal even in places where I didn’t realize that I needed healing. Even without saying anything, God often sends me a word through this amazing network – and it’s not just me. Many others share this testimony too! If you’d like to be a part, please let me know in the comments and I will contact you as soon as possible!

You were never created to do life in isolation. Isolation is definitely a tool of the enemy to ultimately destroy people. We need to stay woke!

I really do pray that you’ve picked up something from this post and in fact the entire series. I pray that you are empowered to break free. Your purpose beckons! God is calling you to bigger, higher, better things and it’s time to move forward in Him. I cannot wait to read your testimony of deliverance!

I love you. Remember God is crazy in love with you and is waiting for you with arms open wide!

Lessons From Google Maps

January 11, 2019 /

A few months ago, I was headed to a meeting in Victoria Island. I didn’t know my way to the destination so I decided to use Google Maps. It was a smooth, traffic and hitch free ride and I was enjoying the direction of the map till I got to this road. The thing is, the journey had been smooth all along; tarred roads, traffic lights, good scenery…all up until this point. The map was leading me through this untarred, muddy and dirty market. I was very certain the map was confused. “This road cannot possibly lead me to my destination”, I thought. So I turned around, went back to the beginning of the road and tried to navigate again from there.

Still, the map was leading me to go through the road I had thought was unlikely to take me to my destination. Frustrated with my map, I thought about calling someone or even going back to the beginning of the road to start navigating again. In that moment though, I thought “well, let me just go through the road. Let me even see where it leads”. As I got on the road, Google Maps literally went silent on me. A few metres before getting on that road, it had already told me to go straight and then make a right after a while but as soon as I got on the “unlikely” road, the map fell silent. I was waiting for some affirmation from the map that I was on the right track…but nothing. Surprisingly (or not), the dirty, untarred road was only for a little stretch of the journey. It wasn’t long before I was back on good roads and could see beautiful scenery again; it wasn’t long till I heard Google map’s voice say “turn right” and it wasn’t long till I arrived my destination.

I arrived at my meeting about 5 minutes late because I didn’t listen to the map the first time. I thought the map must have been mistaken. I would have arrived just in time if I’d gone through the unlikely road the first time.

God spoke to me through that experience. As you can imagine, the map represents God. Sometimes, He will lead us through familiar, beautiful and smooth roads, but many times, He will take us through “unlikely” paths. He will lead us through roads that don’t look like they’ll take us to our destinations. The path may look dirty. It may not look glamorous. It may not look like the destination. It may not look like the dream. It may not look like the vision. I’m here to encourage you to stay the course. Stay with God. Trust the path that He has placed you on. He may not take you through your preferred route, but rest assured that He will get you to your destination. The distraction and frustration often peak when you’re very close to your destination. Keep moving forward.

Sometimes, like the map, when we get on those unfamiliar, difficult and bumpy roads of life, God can seem distant and silent even though He’s right there. Truth is, the map had already told me what to do and I just needed to obey. God has already equipped you with all you need to make it to your destination safely. No, He hasn’t abandoned you. He’s right there with you. He just needs you to stay the course and follow the path that He has set before you. It won’t be long till all the pieces come together and you’ll see that He was right there all along, leading you and holding your hand even in the silence. Know that God is not really silent, He’s only working in silence. Not for a moment are you ever forsaken!

Someone’s word for the year is “Move Forward”. You may not be able to shorten your journey but you can definitely prolong it by refusing to follow the path that God has set before you. Obedience will get you to your destination quicker than trying to outsmart God will. You don’t need to keep going around in circles. Move forward in faith.

I know you’re called to be a business mogul but God could be asking you in this season to work for someone else’s establishment; or maybe you’ve launched out at God’s command and things aren’t going as you imagined. I know you’re called to the nations, but God is asking you in this season to touch one individual. I know the man you’re hoping to marry is supposed to be tall, dark, handsome and rich but God is placing a love in your heart from this man who is just your height, not a super model and not earning 6 digits just yet. Don’t resist. There’s more than you can see with your eyes. There are lessons to be learnt on the path He has placed you on. Don’t despise the path. Don’t despise your journey and don’t for a moment think that you’re lost. God is right there, leading you. He’s your ever reliable map and compass!

Think on the verses below and be refreshed in your spirit!

The steps of a [good] man are directed and established by the Lord when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step].
Psalm 37:23 AMPC

I [the Lord] will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.
Psalm 32:8 AMPC

Dear Single Church Girl

November 12, 2018 /

If you’re like me, born and bred in church, chances are you’re very familiar with some of the things I’m about to share. If you only recently got rooted in a place of worship, or if you’re somewhere in between then this will bless you also.

I’ve seen over and over again, the joy on the faces of well meaning church folks when they find out that a “committed sister” is getting married to a “committed brother”. It just often seems like a perfect match. Brother is a prayer warrior, protocol member, media team member, youth leader, and of course a tither. He’s committed to the things of God and so whoever he chooses as his wife has hit the jackpot.

As I reflect over my life, my experiences and those of others, I realise that attention has somehow been shifted from what’s really important to what seems to look good on paper. It’s as though we have become so drawn to the idea of a person who is busy for God that we forget to lay emphasis on their actual relationship with God and the fruit that they produce.

Let me just put it out there that it’s a great thing to be committed in the house of God. The truth however remains that many people serve with wrong motives while others just don’t really understand the reason for service. All that people see is the service, the activity and the busyness for God, but dear single church girl (permit me to refer to you as a girl even if you’re 35. After all, we’re all “children” of God!), you have a responsibility to look beyond the activity of a man. You have a responsibility to probe deeper and consider his relationship with God. There is a fine line between religion and relationship. You want someone who shares a true, deep and personal love relationship with the Father and not just someone who is busy in church. Someone who shares a relationship with God serves with a different kind of heart.

Please don’t get caught up and distracted by activity! Well meaning people may make you feel like brother John is the best person for you because he belongs to five service groups and attends every service but please, beyond what they see and say, what is brother John’s relationship with Jesus?

There are men who are super active in church yet they still want to have sex outside of marriage. I’m not talking about they had sex and they’re remorseful or repentant. I’m talking about they flat out, unrepentantly ask for sex, yet five service groups! Please pay attention. Activity is not relationship. Sadly, I’ve come to know stories of men who are active in church, some holding titles but who beat their wives. The Bible warns us about wolves in sheep’s clothing. They appear good on paper but their hearts are not right with God.

Please don’t let anyone bamboozle or confuse you. God is more interested in the heart of a man than in his activities. Am I saying you should marry a man that is passive about the things of God? Absolutely not. That too could be symptomatic of an ailing relationship with God. What I’m saying is, focus first on what’s important – his relationship with Jesus. If his relationship with God is right, it will spill over into the way he serves. His motives and his heart will be right. He won’t be serving just to seem busy for God and get a good girl. You want someone that serves with a right heart.

So maybe brother John speaks in tongues and even prophesies. Maybe he has the word of knowledge and can tell you what you’re thinking at this moment. Haha! All of these are good things but they’re not the most important things. God’s word doesn’t say “by their gifts you shall know them”, it says “by their fruit, you shall know them”. Do not marry the gift, marry the fruit. Galatians 5:22-23 outlines the fruit of the spirit. A gift is just what it is – a gift, but good fruit is produced by a thriving relationship with the Father and that’s what you want. Again, I say, don’t look at the gift, look at the fruit. If he produces good fruit and has the gifts, amazing! If he produces bad fruit and has the gifts, please take to your heels! I recommend that you read Galatians 5 to know or be reminded of the works of the flesh and the fruit of the spirit so that you can better assess that brother John!

Remember that you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You don’t need to prove that your fiancé is the most spiritual and the most committed person in church. It does nothing for you. It won’t deliver you from the reality of his bad character when you eventually get married to him. Focus on his relationship with God and the fruit that he produces. It’s even better when he’s committed, has a thriving personal relationship with God and produces good fruit!

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