The “Nice-girl” Trap

It was a rude shock. Unbelievable. Uncharacteristic of me. How could I be so cold, cruel almost? Was this really me? What had changed me? Where did I find the courage to do this? The two-month old engagement ring glistened at him from the sofa I’d placed it on – proof that our two-year relationship was indeed over.

Unfettered. Liberated. Free. At peace. These are some words that may describe how I felt that night, nevermind the rollercoaster ride of emotions I would have to sort through in the following months.

Two years. It took me two whole years to end a relationship that I knew I should never have ventured into. It was clear from Day One that we lived by a different set of values and that I had no business getting into the relationship but I was already infatuated, smitten by his looks and smoothness. Besides, I was a nice girl so somehow, I would work things out.

There were red flags and signs everywhere. As the relationship progressed, it was clearer than ever before that I’d missed it, yet I could never bring myself to end things. I was a nice girl. I would work this out.

By now, you’re probably wondering what being nice has to do with anything. Aren’t we supposed to be nice? Doesn’t being nice equate being good? I will answer these but first, let me tell you a little more about how I was.

You see, like most people, I naturally wanted to be liked, loved and accepted by everyone. I avoided conflict and confrontation by all means. I hated to be the reason anyone was upset much less someone I was in a relationship with. I would rather suppress by feelings for the sake of peace than express my displeasure. I carried a lot of baggage and thought it was okay – after all, it was for the greater good. I was always agreeable, peaceable (not that this is a bad thing), and well, just nice. I understand that for a relationship to be healthy and work out, there is need for both parties involved to be willing to bend over backwards. In my case though, I wasn’t just bending over backwards, I was contouring myself into various forms, shapes and sizes so I could fit into the profile of a nice, almost perfect girl. I was losing myself so I could please someone else. If he liked a certain genre of music, it automatically became my favourite. I could give up on doing other things I would have loved to do just so I could spend all the time with him. I would never voice my desire to do something other than spend time with him for fear that he would take it the wrong way and I would hurt him. I also never wanted to be seen as flawed in anyway. I wanted to be loved and accepted and I felt the only way to achieve this was to hide my flaws and imperfections and only “put my best foot forward” at all times. In summary, I wanted to be seen as perfect. I wanted anyone I was with to truly feel blessed and as though he had hit a jackpot.

What I didn’t realise was that my niceness was costing me a lot. A whole lot!

For one, it was costing me my very essence, my uniqueness, and my authenticity. Because I craved this love and acceptance so much, I gave up my individuality and wanted to become like this person. I felt pretending to like the same things he did would somehow cause us to connect on a deeper level. I lost me.

Second, it cost me my inner peace. Because I was always so worried about causing conflict or friction, I was constantly on the edge – always filtering things in my mind to avoid problems.

Third, being “nice” made me very resentful. Irony right? We’re supposed to feel good when we’ve done something nice right? Stay with me on this. I became resentful because deep down, I didn’t want to do those things! I just did them to make this other person happy and to be seen as a really nice girl. For example, I would cancel prior engagements because he had asked to hang out. I would never say “Do you mind if we rescheduled so I can honour this other engagement?” I would just cancel whatever else. Then whenever he chose something else over spending time with me, I would be livid and resentful because he didn’t cancel his plans for me! I was just always really angry and bitter deep inside. What then was the point of this niceness?

Fourth, it cost me my time and his. It really didn’t have to take me two years to end things. I was just just too scared, timid, cowardly, in other words, too nice to end things. I worried about appearing to be a bad person, how horrible he would feel, wondered what others would say about my broken engagement after putting up photos on BBM! I ended up doing more harm than good because I wasted both our time, broke his heart as I could have ended things long before he proposed, and generally just created a messy, messy situation. Now, I’m glad God eventually helped me out of that relationship but I’m saying it didn’t have to take that long and cause as much damage.

Finally, it cost me my relationship with God. I became lost – I compromised my values and was headed for destruction until God rescued me from myself and the entire situation! I’m thankful for His steadfast love that came chasing after me!

We often confuse the commandment to love with the desire to please. 1 Corinthians 13 outlines the characteristics of love. Nowhere does it say “Love is being nice” Being nice does not equate being good. You can smile, be pleasant, polite and be downright resentful and bitter. I’ll pick a good person over a nice person anyday. If you’re good, you tell the truth even when it’s not nice to hear. You do the right thing even when you can be misjudged and misunderstood. It’s natural to want to be liked, to want to see your relationship work. What’s not healthy is when this desire to be liked takes over your entire being. God created you unique, authentic and the way you are for a reason. He doesn’t want you become someone else just to be seen as nice. He doesn’t want you to lose your value and worth just to be seen as nice.

Nice is the reason many people stay for months and years in relationships they don’t want to be in. Nice will cause you to be a terrible heartbreaker because you would have given so much of yourself, worn out yourself, changed so much of who you are and then realised far too late that you can’t do this anymore. One day, you’ll just be tired and won’t be able to take it anymore. Then like me, you’ll just up and leave. It will even be more painful then. Being a good person means that you take responsibility for your life and peace, do the right thing at the right time and stop stringing someone else along. I know you worry about how the other party will feel – trust me they will be fine. Trust that they’re able to sort through their emotions and be okay. If you think that sounds selfish then Proverbs 4:23 must be endorsing this type of selfishness. It says to guard your heart ABOVE ALL ELSE! (NLT)

Realise that you’ll never feel wholly loved and deeply connected in any relationship, romantic or otherwise if you’re hiding parts of yourself. By all means, work on your weaknesses but give yourself permission to be imperfect. The more of your true self you’re able to share with someone, the deeper the connection you’ll share. We are all flawed, all work in progress. God’s love remains despite our flaws and this is how He designed love to operate – faults and all. Actually, be deliberate about sharing your shortcomings. If you’ve been having it all smooth in your relationship, it’s okay to take out time to discuss your weaknesses. I did this exercise while I was courting my husband and it was liberating! It was liberating to be open and honest about my flaws while recognising that my husband was flawed too and we could love each other regardless, while working towards being better people.

Being nice and seeking acceptance can cost you a lot like it did me. It can cause you to fall right into the deep pit of sexual sin, drugs, alcohol. You just won’t know how you got to that point. It can cause you to do the very things you’ve judged others over; things you’ve never imagined you could do. You can lose your very soul trying to be nice.

You weren’t made for every type of person. You don’t have to be liked by every guy. You don’t have to change your values, lower your expectations, change your preferences, suppress your feelings, hide your displeasure just to be seen as a nice person.

Be you without apologies. I know it takes a while to get to that point but if you’ll stay committed to being you, working it out one day at a time, you’ll eventually be able to hold your own and say no when you need to, end that relationship when you have to or even refuse to start that relationship you know isn’t meant for you.

Remember, guard your heart above all else. All else includes how you think he may feel if you break up, say no, or whatever else. He will be fine. We will all be fine in the end!

There’s so much more in my experience that I could share. I really could go on and on and write an entire book on this! If you struggle in this area and would like to talk, please free to reach out to me. You can slide into my DM on IG @tosin_yemisanni or Facebook: Oluwatosin Yemi-Sanni. I’ll be happy to hold your hands through the journey to becoming the most authentic version of you (I am still on this journey and we can journey together!) and experiencing the joy and freedom that comes with it!

Till the next post, know that you are loved and valued, just the way you are!