Author: Oluwatosin (Page 4 of 6)

TPC DAY TWO – THE PRESERVER & THE REVEALER

March 2, 2021 / Oluwatosin

In the year 2010, I unwittingly stepped into the house of destruction.

Fresh out of the university, I was serving with an NGO in Lagos as an NYSC member. I had recently broken off a two-year relationship with a man I had been deeply in love with. We were certain we would get married until we made a discovery that shattered our hopes and dreams of being together forever.

You can find out more on this story in my book, Unchained.

I was mad at God for a long time. I didn’t think He had done me well. I had been faithful to God. I had been seeking Him my whole life. I had been careful to keep His instruction of not awakening love early – I hadn’t dated anyone until I was in my final year in the university. This guy was a godly man – a really wonderful person. That relationship was supposed to be my first and last.

I felt like God scammed me. For all the effort I put into being a godly girl, I should have been better rewarded by Him.

In my foolishness, I believed that everything God would ever do for me would be in response to how good and well-behaved I had been. So if I was living holy, praying, studying my Bible, and serving in church, God owed me a truckload of blessings. My relationship with God was underscored by an entitlement mentality that conditioned me to believe I could earn His goodness by my works.

You see, in that season of my life, when it came to understanding God’s grace and how it works, I was what the book of Proverbs refers to as a simpleton. It’s not that I was hardened against God. I simply didn’t know better. I lacked kingdom revelation and spiritual understanding.

My anger with God which occurred as a result of my #simpletonproblems, eventually led me to make the poor choice of getting engaged to someone who should have never made it past “hello.” From the moment I stepped into that relationship, I stepped into the den of the wicked one – the very house of destruction.

I made so many poor decisions. I was utterly lost and hopelessly bound – but for the redeeming love of God.

Verse 11 of Proverbs 2 lets us know that wisdom protects us from making poor choices. It rescues us from evil in disguise and from those whose words are twisted.

Dear one, the first thing I want to assert today is this:

Wisdom is a preserver of life and destiny. A lack of it is fatal!

King Solomon knew this too well so he admonished us to “cry out for comprehension and intercede for insight.” (Verse 3, TPT). He said to seek it as a man would seek for sterling silver, searching in hidden places for cherished treasure.

The god of this world is restless. He is tirelessly roaming around, seeking whose destiny he can destroy. This is not the time to live as a simpleton. We simply cannot afford to! We must be steeped in wisdom and armed with it. We must grow daily in it so that we can precisely discern between good and evil, right and wrong, truth and lies – that we may be preserved.

The second thing is, wisdom is a revealer of God.

As you seek wisdom with all your heart, you will find the very One who Himself is wisdom.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 1:30 that Jesus has been made unto us wisdom from God.

Wisdom is Jesus. Jesus is the Word. The Word is Wisdom.

You cannot seek true wisdom without truly seeking the Word. When you find true wisdom, you will find God, His ways, His modus-operandi, His instructions at the very centre of it.

If you find yourself scorning some of God’s instructions and thinking they’re not applicable to certain areas of your life; if you think people who follow God’s ways radically are too “spirikoko” (overly spiritual), you haven’t found wisdom.

There is no true wisdom apart from God.

The level of wisdom you daily operate in is directly connected to the depth of your relationship with God and His word.

My relationship with God had sunk to its lowest just before I stepped into the relationship that would see me spiral into a dark pit. It was inevitable that folly would become my close companion. Once your relationship with God starts to suffer, folly will come knocking at your door.

If you truly search for wisdom as one would silver, what you will stumble upon is the fear of the Lord and what you will find is the true knowledge of God. (Verses 4 & 5).

If your wisdom search isn’t leading you into God-discovery and unraveling of Kingdom-mysteries, your search is faulty.

Wisdom is kingdom revelation.

Wisdom is a revealer of God.

To search for it is to search for Him.

Seek Him with all your heart!

Question of the day: What really struck you personally as you studied Proverbs 2?

Please share your insights with us!

TPC DAY ONE – A LESSON IN TOOTH DECAY

February 28, 2021 / Oluwatosin

When I was growing up, I always had cavities in my teeth. For whatever reason, I was just so susceptible to tooth decay. I was often in so much pain. If you’ve ever had a tooth ache, you know what I’m talking about. That pain is unbearable!

I’ve heard people say a tooth ache is worse than labour pain. Seeing as I have experienced both, I would have to agree with that statement.

When I fell into labour while pregnant with my son, I was still cheerily eating cereal in between contractions on my way to the hospital. I was balling (at least up until a point. Hehehe)!

When I experienced tooth ache though, I couldn’t even think – couldn’t dare eat or drink water. The pain was excruciating. I could feel it in my brain. And I experienced this multiple times as a child, teenager and even a young adult.

I experienced severally, the pure terror that comes from just seeing the dentist lay out his equipments – tools that look like they’re meant for the carpenter or mechanic’s workshop – and knowing that those are going into your mouth.

I experienced the forceful pressure of the tooth extraction process. I would grip the arms of the patient chair as if holding on to dear life. I experienced the consequent bleeding and swelling of the mouth, the numb feeling and inability to speak well for several hours.

Way too often, I sat in the dentists’ chair for several minutes, mouth wide open as they filled the holes in my teeth with metal-like substance, leaving the affected teeth permanently discoloured.

You would think that with all the experiences I shared above, I would totally hate and be automatic enemies with sweets and chocolates. Not me! Growing up, I would often sneak several wraps of sweets into my room and hide them under my pillow far away from my mother’s wandering eyes.

Late in the night when everyone was asleep, I would delightfully feast on my sweets, crunching and savouring them with pure joy.

On a few occasions when my mum found me eating sweets (in broad daylight), she would shout at me. “Tosin! You want them to keep hitting your teeth with hammer and chisel abi? You won’t learn? You of all people are eating sweets?!”

You see, I knew very well, and by experience, the effect that eating sweets was having on my teeth.

I didn’t have a knowledge problem. Wisdom wasn’t far from me either. I simply had an ailing relationship with it.

As I read from Proverbs 1 today, the Holy Spirit reminded me of my past tooth decay problems and used it as an analogy for the wisdom problem that exists and persists in the lives of many of His beloved children.

Many of us may be experiencing decay in certain areas of our lives, not because we don’t know the truth – but because we have an ailing, estranged relationship with wisdom.

Proverbs 1:20 (NLT) says “Wisdom shouts in the streets. She cries out in the public square.”

Wisdom is not even scarce. She’s right before our eyes. She’s everywhere we go – in our relationships, on social media, on the internet, in our places of worship, on our bookshelves and podcast apps.

She’s always calling. We hear her voice, but are we listening to her?

Do you have a working relationship with wisdom? Is there growth, maturity, transformation and elevation in your life to show that you do?

I’ll tell you something that really upsets me. It’s seeing a believer blatantly refuse to apply wisdom that’s available to them to surmount a challenge they’re facing or to generally elevate the quality of their lives and relationships.

They’re no different from the teenage me who refused to stop eating sweets (and brush at night) even when it was destroying my teeth and keeping me in perpetual pain.

They’re suffering – and it’s mostly because they’ve refused to listen to the voice of wisdom.

I see pride play out all too often – in the way we handle marital affairs, friendships, work relationships and even with our domestic staff! Yes – domestic staff (some people have employed over 20 caregivers in two years – and it’s not always the caregivers that have problems. It’s our own wisdom problem – but this is gist for another day!)

Verse 24-31 outlines how Lady Wisdom laughs at the calamity, decay and disaster that befall those who refuse to listen to her.

You can save yourself from time wasters and step into the best relationship of your life that will lead to a blissful marriage.

You can have the most beautiful love relationship with your husband.

You can begin to see, enjoy and maximize the value in your friendships without letting jealousy and envy get in the way.

You can be more financially independent.

You can step into the kind of life you’ve always envisioned.

But you will have to listen to the voice of wisdom calling out to be heard and applied in each area of your life.

We’re only just scratching the surface!

What exactly is wisdom? What does it look like for each area of our lives?

I’m certain that we’ll figure it out as we travel further in the book of Proverbs.

Question of the Day: What stuck out to you personally as you studied Proverbs 1? Please share with us!

Speak up or Keep Quiet?

February 9, 2021 / Oluwatosin

A dear friend sent me this message after reading my book, Unchained.

In the book, I wrote candidly about one relationship that nearly ruined my life and destiny. I could have died or gone crazy, given the gravity of things that occurred in that relationship.

My friend, who wrote this message, had met “Fola” (not his real name), the guy I was entangled with, and she had reservations about him which she didn’t tell me about at the time.

Upon reading my book, she expressed regret for not telling me how she felt about Fola despite how close we were as friends.

In all honesty, I probably would have brushed her reservations aside because I didn’t even listen to those who aired theirs. “Love” (foolishness) was worrying me.

Last week, I shared this with my Instagram fam and asked this question:

“Would you tell your friend if you felt negatively about someone they were dating? Or would you rather keep it to yourself to avoid problems?”

Many responded that they’d rather keep quiet – and nearly all their reasons were the same.

I could easily summarize all the responses I got in these two statements:

“Love entanglements can be such a stronghold. I don’t think my speaking up will make any difference.”

“What if the relationship works out? I’ll become the enemy. Umm. I’ll just keep shut.”

The fear of rejection. The fear of a jolly good friendship going sour. The fear of being seen as the “bad guy”. The fear of being seeing as a hater (especially if you’re single).

These are real fears.

My little IG survey was such an eye-opener. It alerted me to the one thing that shows up and prevents us from speaking the truth when we need to.

That thing is called SELF.

I’m not even exempt from this. Even though I’ve moved away from this centre table, I’m still standing with one leg on its side stool. I have to keep committing to standing for love. And love speaks the truth – even when there’s a risk it could all backfire.

Sometimes, loving a friend means that you take your SELF away from the equation and place their destiny above it – because when someone is making a relationship decision, destiny is often at stake.

So what should you do if you have reasons to be concerned about someone your friend is in a relationship with?

Pray for them. Genuinely do, and often too. Your words alone may not make any difference, but there’s nothing beyond the power of prayer
Speak to your friend. I know this is the hard part but God’s word in Ephesians 4:2 encourages us to speak the truth in love. If you have a track record of consistently showing up in your friend’s life with nothing but love and support, they are less likely to misinterpret your intentions even if they do not take your advice.

When you speak, be careful not sound judgmental or like a know-it-all. These are the very things that make people become defensive and unreachable. The key is to lace your words with genuine love, care and wisdom.

As tempting as it is, don’t simply stop at praying for them. If you’re close enough to that person, then you’re certainly an extension of God’s voice to them. The only times you should keep quiet are if your feelings are unfounded, or you have express instruction from God to do so. If you have solid reasons to believe your friend is making a mistake, the kind thing to do is let them know. Your speaking up or keeping quiet about the truth can completely alter the trajectory of someone’s life and destiny.

3. Don’t keep going on about it. At the end of the day, it is up to them to make their decision. You only need to register your thoughts. Go back to point 1. Keep praying!

Let me just take a moment to address that person who’s on the other side of this discuss – the “hearer” of the hard truth.

Again, from my Instagram survey, over 70% of people who participated said they found it tough to accept hard truths. I totally get it. Hard truths are just that – hard – but they have the power to radically change your life and preserve your destiny. That kind of hardness is worth the momentary feeling of discomfort or embarrassment.

Wisdom listens when love speaks. If a trusted friend has reasons to be concerned about your relationship, you should pay some attention. You don’t have to act on their words, but you should listen, ponder, and consider what they’re saying in the light of the realities in your relationship.

If they’ve really proven to be trustworthy over time, why do you think they’re being hateful?

I have learnt from Scripture that the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who listens to counsel is wise (Proverbs 12:15)

I have been foolish in the past, but not anymore. I value truth, wise counsel and godly opinions.

At the root of our defensiveness is pride, and pride leads to destruction.

Listen to wise counsel. Your destiny depends on it!

Give wise counsel. Someone’s destiny depends on it!

PS: If you really want to learn to walk in wisdom, the Book of Proverbs is your go-to manual.

I’m kicking off The Proverbs Challenge with some amazing ladies in March. Every day, we’ll dive into a chapter of the Book of Proverbs and we’ll have a good feast on it.

Click here to join the challenge

Click here to get your copy of Unchained.

See you next time!

Just Give Me a Reason!

September 2, 2020 / Oluwatosin

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for others is to be brutally honest with them.

Let me tell you about this thing Femi (real name withheld) and I once had going on.

Femi was a guy I had been friends with for a while. He was newly born again and growing in his walk with the Lord. I enjoyed talking, hanging out and just being friends with him, but then I started to notice that he was “falling in love.”

He wanted to take our friendship to the next level, but I just couldn’t see it working out. It’s not like there was anything wrong with him but I viewed him and “us” through the lens of my deal breakers, and one in particular screamed “no, Tosin, this is not for you!”

The more he tried, the clearer I put it across to him that although I liked being friends with him, I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

One evening, we sat in the outdoor area of a fast food restaurant, eating ice cream and chatting playfully about a myriad of things.

Femi suddenly grew quiet and in one intense moment of desire, desperation, and frustration, he looked piercingly into my eyes and said, “Tosin, why won’t you give me… give us a chance?”

A part of me was exhausted that he was still going there – still asking this question. Hadn’t I told him severally that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him? Why was he still pushing this?

Then I realized my fault. He needed a reason I hadn’t given him a real one. I hadn’t helped him see how being in a relationship with or marrying him wouldn’t align with something was was super important to me.

I knew in that moment that I had to tell him the truth.

I stared back at him and without flinching said “Femi, you can’t lead me. I can’t follow you. And leadership is very important to me.”

Ouch. I know! It must have stung. But it was a liberating moment for both of us. I didn’t mean to bruise his ego and to be honest, what I said didn’t mean he didn’t have any leadership qualities.

It just meant that I didn’t see him leading me the way I knew I needed to be led. He would no doubt make a fantastic husband for his wife one day, just not for me.

Now that I’m married, and with everything we’ve been through in our 3 years plus of marriage, I see very clearly why God imprinted so strongly in my heart, a desire to marry a man who could truly stand in his place as a leader in our home.

Many things that we have overcome so easily have been first, because of God’s grace and then because of this man I married who understands, and takes his place.

I can’t tell you how much rests on a man’s ability to take his place, both spiritually and naturally.

Just because a guy is good doesn’t mean he’s for you. There are millions of good men around, but not all of them can be your husband.

There’s a reason God created you the way He did – with all the values and strong, spirit-led desires that you have. Don’t take those desires for granted and don’t compromise on your values either.

I know there’s the voice of fear that says “Will I find another good guy if I let this one go?”

That fear is specially designed to keep people in the wrong relationships, and from experiencing God’s best for them.

You have your values and deal breakers for a reason! They’re there to guide you into making decisions that will serve you in the long run.

Do you know what your deal breakers are? If you don’t, you need to start identifying them now! It’s so important.

If you do, then don’t compromise on them. It is cruel to string someone along or even marry someone whom you really, deep down in your heart know you have no future with.

It’s great if they’ll let you be when you say a simple no, but some people need to hear the hard truth, for their own good and yours.

So yes, I told Femi the hard truth and although he found it hard to swallow at first, he came to terms with it. We remained friends, but it became very clear that being kind to him would mean that I had to stop hanging out with him. There was no way he would be able to move on from his feelings for me if I continued to entertain and spend time with him.

My charge to you today is this: Do the right thing!

I love you!

Walking on the Waves

May 5, 2020 / Oluwatosin

I laid fearfully awake in the middle of the night. It was very strange, the way I was feeling. It felt like a mix of extreme fear, anxiety and a heavy bout of sadness. I could swear that I was having difficulty breathing and I was going to have a panic attack. Surely, the thing I was worried about wasn’t enough to produce such a heavy feeling of helplessness. What was going on with me?

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been trusting God to help resolve a challenge. When I first realised the challenge, I was worried as anyone would be. I however sought wise counsel from a friend and prayed about it. As I took my eyes off the challenge and focused on Jesus, everything else began to fade away. I hardly thought of it anymore. I just knew that God, as always would come through for me. Even though the thoughts of the challenge would come lurking once in a while, I was in perfect peace because my gaze and attention were fully upon God and His word. My joy was intact because it was based on what I knew about God and His character. God and I have come a long way and I’ve proven Him too many times.

Like Peter, even though the storm was raging, I had been walking on the waves because I kept my eyes on Jesus and His word.

On this day though, I decided find out what my friend, Google had to say about my challenge. As you can probably imagine, it had nothing good to say to me. I was instantly filled with fear, doubt and discouragement. Rather than immediately put down my phone and speak The Word, I continued to scroll in search of more information from Google.

It was when Peter perceived and felt how strong the wind was that he became terrified. He had engaged his senses whilst acting in faith – the perfect recipe for a fear take-over. That was exactly what I was doing. Google had helped me see how strong the wind (my challenge) was and I became terrified.

What is remarkable in this account of Peter walking on water is that this storm had been raging vey strongly all along. He was only just realising it because He had shifted his focus away from The One who had the power to calm the stormy seas. In the same way, because I shifted my focus from God and His word, I suddenly became very aware of what I was going through and my heart was opened up to attack.

So as I laid awake in bed, I began to see that my mind was being heavily attacked by fear, anxiety and sadness not because of what I was going through – but because I shifted my focus away from the Giver of life and peace.

The Bible says in Isaiah 26:3 that God will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him – not he who has no challenges. The peace I had been previously experiencing right in the midst of my challenge was based on the fact that my mind had been stayed on God. I lost my peace (and joy) when my mind and focus shifted away from Him.

God’s word is eternally true. If you are utterly destitute of peace and joy, it’s not because things aren’t going well for you. It’s not because you have the biggest problems in the world or because your situation is the worst. It’s because your focus is wrongly placed. There’s no way that your mind will be stayed on God and you’ll lack peace and joy. The only reason your challenges are weighing you down so much is that you’ve forgotten that I AM is with you.

The moment I realised that my shift of focus was what opened my mind up to attack, I began to repent before God. I could feel Him saying “Tosin, we go way back. We have history. You’ve seen me do incredible things in your life. How can you toss me aside and let Google have the final say?”. I immediately asked God to have mercy on me and save me, because like Peter, I felt like I was sinking and about to be drowned.

Immediately I admitted my wrong and asked for His help, my peace was restored! I prayed and committed everything into His hands again and I’m determined with His help to forever leave it in His care.

You know what I love the most about this story of Peter and Jesus? It’s the fact that after Jesus saved Peter from sinking, they got back into the boat (it means Peter must have walked on water again!) and when the got into the boat, the wind ceased! This wind that had mercilessly beaten and tossed the disciples, caused Peter to doubt, sink and almost lose his life – this same wind was now gone.

What that tells me is that it won’t be long. God wants me to tell someone reading this, that “it won’t be long”. That raging storm will cease. That wind will end. It won’t last. God is saying “take courage. Stop being afraid. I AM here”

I’m so greatly encouraged and I hope you are too! This is a call for us to keep our eyes fixed on The One whose very presence calms the seas. That’s the only way that we can truly be in perfect peace and continue to experience incomprehensible joy.

Ditch Google. Stop feeding your fears and doubts. Stop listening to what society says about not being married at a certain age. Your energy flows where your attention goes. You’re all fagged out because your energy has been flowing in the wrong direction. Give God all of your focus and let Him infuse you with His strength!

Your best days are here!

The Insult that Changed my Life

January 18, 2020 / Oluwatosin

Let me tell you about this “shade” that changed my life for good. Of course, when this coded insult was hurled at me, it hurt really bad. It felt like a stinging, hot slap at the time but when I look back at how the events of my life unfolded afterwards, I’m actually thankful for that “shade”!

If you know me or have followed my story for a while, then you already know about my relationship history, but for the benefit of someone who may be reading from me for the first time, I’ll just give you a quick background.

At some point in my life, I was beginning to be known for failed relationships. I just kept moving from one relationship to the other, each time hoping I’d found “the one”. You see, my sense of self worth was so hinged on my relationship status that I just always had to be in a relationship. Not being in a relationship often left me feeling scared, paranoid and insecure. There were root causes but I can’t go into those right now.

Now that you have a little background, let’s move on to this “insult gist”. Now, I had been dating this man for almost a year. The truth is, I wasn’t emotionally whole when I got into the relationship with him. I was so insecure and emotionally dependent that I relied on him to heal the pain I had been nursing from a previous relationship. Because of this, I ignored a few red flags and warning signs that I saw at the start of the relationship. It wasn’t long till my eyes got opened and it became quite clear that I needed to end the relationship.

Here’s the thing though. I was about to repeat the same mistake I’d been making all my life! I only really found the courage to end this relationship because I’d found another man! I just couldn’t be by myself.

Somehow, this man whose heart I was breaking had found out that I was already “loving” someone else. Because he already knew my relationship history and with all the bitterness he felt towards me, he looked at me and sarcastically said “Tosin, I pray that this new guy isn’t just another number in your life” (In other words, you just keep moving from man to man) Ouch! That was a sucker punch.

That stung! It hit me hard. It got me thinking. It brought me to a new level of awareness. It helped me realise that I had a problem that I needed to deal with. It was hard to admit but it was true. I really was hopping from relationship to relationship. There was no lie in that shade. It was when I truly accepted that this man had a solid point that I got to a turning point in my love life.

It was then that I started to sort through my life and got deliberate about breaking free from the negative cycle of failed relationships that I’d somehow got myself into.

I don’t know what insults have been thrown at you in your love journey, and I know it hurts bad. I have a question for you though. Is it possible that there’s some fact, some truth in what has been said to you that you can draw on to begin to change your life’s narrative?

Sometimes, it’s not the other person. The negative cycles we find ourselves in are often proof that we need to fix stuff in our lives. Sometimes, we have issues to deal with – deep issues that have been left unresolved for so long. I want you to take some time to ponder on your experiences. I’m not asking you to believe any negative words that have been spoken over you. Absolutely not! But sometimes, the truth that will liberate us can come in unpleasant forms. I just want you to grab whatever truth you can and then decide that like me, rather than let it break you, you will let it change you – for good!

I designed a very quick tool that will help you get on the path to breaking free from the cycle of failed/broken relationships. It’s called “5 Reasons Your Relationships Aren’t Working Out”. Click HERE to download the resource.

Believe me, your best is on the way!

Body Odour?!

December 4, 2019 / Oluwatosin

Today, I want to talk about body odour a.k.a B.O. Haha! But it’s not what you think!

Have you ever been around someone who for some reason emitted an unpleasant fragrance? (to put it nicely) Did you run and hug that person or did you try very hard to keep your distance from them? My guess is that you did the latter. Do you know someone who perpetually has this body odour thing going on? What’s your relationship with them like? You probably mark your territory mentally and hope that they don’t cross into it. It’s not that you’re trying to be mean. You may even genuinely love them (but liver has failed you to tell them the truth). You’re not trying to hurt them by not hugging them or going too close. It’s just that you can’t stand it. You may become nauseated or even throw up. Right?

Okay, let’s flip it the other way now. Have you ever forgotten to wear some deodorant and then realised you had a funky smell through the day? I have (Hey! Don’t judge me now) How was your relationship with people that day? Did you run and hug them or retreat from them? If you’re a self conscious person like me, you probably didn’t move around or raise your arms a lot that day. Know why? You didn’t want them to smell something bad. You didn’t want them to perceive you in a certain light. You didn’t want them to reject you. You didn’t want to offend their senses.

It’s the way our human nature is wired. We are wired to turn away from anything that is unpleasant or offensive. We are also wired to retreat, crawl into our shells and turn away from even those we love when we think we’re emitting something unpleasant or offensive.

This two-pronged conditioning of our human nature often forms the basis of our relationship with God. Do you see where I’m going with this? Please stay with me.

Some weeks ago, I was spending time worshipping the Father when an image started to form in my heart (sorry it’s going to sound disgusting). I saw myself in a septic (sewage) tank, covered in the most disgusting stuff you can ever imagine. I was sinking and stuck in that mess of a place, unimaginably filthy. Then I saw myself being rescued by a man whose name is Jesus. Guess what? He came right into that septic tank and pulled me out. When He pulled me out, He gave me a big hug and then He cleaned me up. No, you didn’t read that right. Don’t miss the sequence. He didn’t come close to the septic tank calling my name from a distance. He didn’t ask me to go and clean up and then come to Him – which, honestly would have been fair enough. He dived into the middle of the mess I was in, brought me out, HUGGED ME FIRST and by Himself, washed me clean and then showed me off as His masterpiece. Is that AMAZING or what? God showed me just a little glimpse of what saving me was like. The truth is, before a perfectly holy God, my filth was worse than being in a septic tank.

Here’s the thing – my natural instinct would have been to run! I should have run because I was too filthy. How could I be covered in human waste and stand to receive a hug from the Man who is clothed in shiny, sparkling, spotless white robe? From the Man who is clothed in light? My human wiring told me to RUN! It told me to run because I didn’t even go close to people or raise my hands if I forgot to wear some deodorant! How much more this mess I was covered in? Besides, I personally would either not hug someone with a stench or if they’re so close, I’d hug holding my breath! You see, the way I’m wired required me to question this level of intimacy that hugs me and even takes on the work of cleaning this unimaginable filth. How can God, the Holy One of Israel, touch that kind of mess?!

I stay grateful that I allowed Him to love me, hug me and clean me up because no amount of soap or disinfectant could have done a perfect job. Only the blood of the lamb that was slain could clean and perfect me for eternity.

So, you may be reading this and thinking “I can’t stand body odour” or “I’ll enter the ground if someone tells me I have body odour”. That very wiring (which is not wrong in itself) is what causes us to struggle with accepting God’s unconditional love and grace. It’s the reason we find it hard to pray when we’ve just had sex outside of marriage. It’s the reason we don’t know how to approach His throne when we feel we have fallen short in any way.

We must stay reminded that God is God, not Man. He doesn’t hold his breath before He hugs you. He is not scared of your mess. He is not repelled by your past – even if it was two minutes ago. Let me remind you that the omni-present nature of God means that even when you’re under the sheets with a man that you’re not married to, or at a wild party doing despicable things, God is right there with you. How does that make you feel? He is right there, ready to deliver you, hug you and then clean you up. It doesn’t matter how offensive or unpleasant the fragrance you’re emitting is. He wants to clean you up and then showcase you as His masterpiece – His very own project.

Stop running. Stop trying to hide. Don’t let guilt hold you back. He is not the source of the guilt you feel. The devil through sin is. Even if you’ve fallen a million times, His grace covers you. The reason you keep falling is that you haven’t entered into the provisions of His grace with your heart. You may kind of know it with your head – but it’s yet to seep into your heart. When it gets into your heart, you WILL experience triumph from sin in a way that most people don’t even imagine possible!

If you’re struggling with accepting God’s love because of the sin(s) you’re in, I don’t want you to do this alone! Let’s talk. Please reach out. If you’re subscribed to this blog, you have my email address. Shoot me an email and I will respond to you as soon as I can.

I love you and I’m praying for you.

Remember to share the link to this post with your friends if it blessed you!

Oh! And don’t forget to wear some deodorant today! (Hey, we’re not God!)

Finding Your Way Home (Return Series – III)

September 4, 2019 / Oluwatosin

When you can no longer navigate your way going forward, you can always come back home.

God just impressed it on my heart that one of the biggest mistakes we make when we’re battling sin is first of all trying to break free before returning to Him. I understand why. This is what religion has taught us. Religion has taught us that we have to be worthy before we can approach our Father; that we have to be clean and without blemish to be able to access His presence; that we have to first deal with, and overcome the sin we’re battling before approaching Him. This is why we (the church) turn up our noses when we see certain people lifting their hands in worship on Sunday. “Hmm isn’t she sleeping with Brother Samson? Such hypocrisy” We need to be imparted with the spirit of shut up. You don’t know their struggle! You don’t know where they are in their relationship with God. You are not the judge of all the earth. God is!

In summary, religion teaches that we have to perfect before we can come to Him. This would have been true if the precious blood of Jesus wasn’t spilled on that old, rugged cross, making atonement for ALL our imperfections and presenting us FOREVER faultless before the Father! Because the voice of religion has rung louder than that of Christ’s finished work in our heads, every time we fall short and give in to sin, our guilt and shame stand as barriers and prevent us from approaching God’s presence. It is not our sin that stands between us and God. It is our guilt and shame. This is so important to note.

For God’s children (and you are God’s child if you’ve accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior whether or not you are currently deep in sin) sin has been forever dealt with in Jesus! Guess what? Even for the unbeliever – someone who hasn’t put their faith in Jesus, their sin has been dealt with. It was one sacrifice, for ALL sins and for ALL time! So, for the unbeliever, it really isn’t sin that will send him to hell –it is refusal to accept Christ’s forgiveness and the gift of life that He gives by faith in Him. See what God’s word says in Hebrews 10:12

‘But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. ‘

And Hebrews 10:14
‘For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.’

Religion has made us believe that Jesus only paid for the sins we committed before we became born-again but not the ones we commit after we accept Christ. That’s not even scriptural! As we see in the scripture above, Jesus’ sacrifice is good for ALL time! That sacrifice is good for you right now even in the thick of your mess.

I love how the second scripture says “by that one offering, he FOREVER made perfect those who are being made holy”. So, even right now, you are perfect! This perfection is forever. This perfection is not based on what you do or don’t do. It is a perfection imparted on you by faith in the Perfect One. It is about a perfect sacrifice that was made for you by a perfect God! When God sees you, he doesn’t see your faults. He sees Jesus. Friend, Jesus is standing tall in you! Don’t you see that there’s no reason to run away from the Father? Don’t cheat yourself out! Embrace this too-good-to-be-true love that Jesus offers you. God is not mad at you. He’s not even disappointed in you. His love runs deeper than your mess.

I pray so earnestly that you come to an understanding of the depth of this love. This revelation will free you from any chain faster than trying to do things right on your own ever could! If you really want to be free, you have to begin to think differently. God’s love is so wide, all the mess you can ever make is drowned in it; it’s so high your failures could never reach it. God’s word says that His love endures FOREVER! Your sin is no match for this love! God’s love is a whole feast. It’s not subject to portion control!

I can write an entire book on God’s love for me. It was God’s love and a revelation of His grace that freed me from sin and empowered me to live righteous. I know this because I struggled so hard to live right while I still had a wrong mindset. Even after I had left the toxic relationship that I was in and later moved on to another relationship, I still struggled to be sexually pure (I didn’t have sex anymore but that didn’t mean I was sexually pure. They are different things).
It was when I came to a full grasp of the finished work of Christ and no longer allowed guilt and condemnation to stand in the way of my relationship with the Father that I really began to experience true freedom from sin. The more I saw myself as righteous regardless of my failings, the less I fell. My actions began to align with my thoughts and confessions! I experienced such freedom that when I met my husband, staying pure was not a struggle. We had our first kiss on the altar, before God and His witnesses on our wedding day! That’s what understanding God’s love and grace can do! God’s love and grace will do for you what strong will and resolve cannot! An understanding of God’s love and grace will not just change your outward behavior; it will change your inner desires. You will desire nothing but to please Him. Your heart will swell with a desire to love and please a God that can love you so unconditionally and so timelessly.

My first counsel is, grow in the knowledge of God’s love. Know that your dignity runs deeper than your failings. Beat these things called guilt and shame with God’s word. There is no condemnation for you at all! Even if you fall, still say “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! Lord, I thank you because you paid for this sin already. I receive and embrace your forgiveness” Soon, you will find that your actions will line up with your thinking and your words. Remember, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7)

As you strengthen your relationship with the Lord, it’s also important that you find someone to talk to – a mentor, or a wise and spiritually sound friend. If you’re trying to walk away from a relationship, the natural tendency is to want to isolate yourself. You just want to crawl into your shell and stay by yourself. You don’t want to deal with anyone asking you questions, judging you or showing disappointment. I went through this season too but I realized that I wanted to be free so bad that I didn’t care if someone would be disappointed. What was important to me was that I found someone who was mature, trustworthy, had the spirit of God and of course whom I knew wouldn’t judge me. I also needed them to be someone I held in high regards and would listen to as well as be accountable to. This made a world of difference for me and it will for you too. You need that support from at least one person. So, think about it. Who can you talk to? I’m here if you need me!

There’s no pretending here, ending even a toxic relationship can be hard – but when you’ve invested time strengthening your relationship with the Lord, when you know why you’re doing what you’re doing; when you begin to see how much more there is to your life than this mess that is trying to hold you bound, then you will have an inner excitement about the fact that you’re about to break free! God is jealous over you. The destiny and assignment that God has for your life is so great and the enemy is not happy about it at all. This is not just about ending an ungodly relationship. This is a battle for your purpose, destiny and future. So even though Jesus stands tall in you and presents you faultless before God, if you allow him, the enemy can still wage war against the future that God has ordained for you. Give him no place!

It’s important to be spiritually, mentally and emotionally prepared when you’re about to end this relationship. You must know that there’s nothing you can say to make the other person feel better about the break up. You are the one doing the break up and there’s nothing you can say to make them feel better. Truth is it’s not your job to make them feel better. You have to deal with this fact. Be prepared for guilt trips, tears and things like that. Make it quick, but make it very clear. You don’t want to leave the door ajar; you want to completely shut that door. Don’t say things like “I really do love you but…” or “It’s not you, it’s me”. Please do not extend your hand of friendship. No, you cannot be friends at all! If he (or she) asks if you still love them, let them know that you will not provide answers to such questions. For some situations, you will need to be brutal for the sake of your future. You are snatching your destiny!

Also, be sure to meet at a neutral place – somewhere public enough not to be alone but private enough to keep your conversation so. Do not meet at either person’s house! You don’t want to put yourself in a compromising situation. Of course, remember to ask for the help of the Holy Spirit before doing this. He always helps!

Do ask them to respect this decision and not make it any harder for either party by not calling or texting. You cannot move on from this if you’re still taking their calls or chatting back and forth. This has to be final. Please unfollow them on social media. This is not immaturity. This is you guarding your heart and applying it unto wisdom.

At this point, please note that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s so important that you focus on healing and moving on and that you’re not pressured to start calling all your friends and telling them stuff. Except you are sure to receive encouragement, prayers and support from a trusted friend, you really do not have an obligation to most people to tell them anything.

I say this because often times we don’t tell our friends or just anyone the entire story and because they don’t have the full picture of things, they may try to intervene on the other person’s behalf. Well-intending friends will ask you if you can just try to work it out. Someone insinuated to me that if I really ended this relationship, it would look like I had a problem. You need to guard your heart so carefully and ensure that you’re not taken back to Egypt! I know they want to help but they can help you into error. So, be wise. If family is involved, do let them know your decision and respectfully ask them to support you on this healing journey.

The process of healing isn’t always a painless one. As a matter of fact, with healing sometimes come bouts of pain and discomfort. I’m aware that there are so many different scenarios that can play out in situations like this but one thing holds instructive for all – let whatever pain you may feel drive you deep into a secret place with your Father, not back to where you’re coming from. This is so important.

Please don’t give into the temptation to run into the arms of another man. This is another typical struggle we face after ending a relationship. If you’re quick to go into another relationship without allowing God to heal you, fill the void and make you strong in Him, you are likely to begin another cycle of sin and toxic relationships. This is so even if you’re starting a relationship with a believer. Because you are vulnerable and not completely whole, you may throw yourself at him and find yourself compromising again. Don’t be under pressure. Don’t ever let the fear of not finding a good man or never getting married cause you to fall into another error. Those fears are not even real. God’s very best is still ahead of you! You haven’t blown God’s plans for your life – you’re not that powerful. You will get married to a fantastic, godly man! Settle that in your heart and be at peace.

It’s time to get busy doing the right things. Get busy serving in church, hang out with friends, do fun stuff, travel if you can! Life is what you make of it in this season! You are free to live! If there was ever a time when you needed a company of sisters that you could lean on, a safe haven, a place where you could draw strength and grow in your relationship with God, that time is now. I’m happy to recommend my own network of amazing sisters! We’re called Abby’s Place! More than I can tell, this platform has been a blessing to me. It has helped me heal even in places where I didn’t realize that I needed healing. Even without saying anything, God often sends me a word through this amazing network – and it’s not just me. Many others share this testimony too! If you’d like to be a part, please let me know in the comments and I will contact you as soon as possible!

You were never created to do life in isolation. Isolation is definitely a tool of the enemy to ultimately destroy people. We need to stay woke!

I really do pray that you’ve picked up something from this post and in fact the entire series. I pray that you are empowered to break free. Your purpose beckons! God is calling you to bigger, higher, better things and it’s time to move forward in Him. I cannot wait to read your testimony of deliverance!

I love you. Remember God is crazy in love with you and is waiting for you with arms open wide!

My Return Trip (Return Series – II)

August 30, 2019 / Oluwatosin

This post is second in a series that I’ve titled “Return”. You can read the first part HERE.

The devil thought he had cleverly handed me a one way ticket to destruction – a life fated to misery, regret, doom, gloom and failure. He made it look all too rosy and dreamy. At some point in my life, all form of common sense had left my brain.

What the enemy did not know was that God, my First Love had long before I was born, made provision for my return ticket to Himself – a ticket that He purchased with the very precious blood of His Son, Jesus.

So, while I took my bath that gloomy morning, crying because I wanted to be free but didn’t know how to be, wondering if there was still redemption for me, wondering if God was going to leave me to myself and abandon me to the imminent dangers of the situation I had walked into with my own legs, He was there whispering “You can come back daughter. I already purchased your return ticket. Look more closely. You’re not stranded. It’s not a one-way ticket. It’s a return ticket.” Only, I couldn’t hear Him. I was too confused, scared and ashamed to make a decision to return. I really wanted to. I just didn’t know how.

Let me share a background story with you to bring you up to speed. You’re probably a little lost right now. Stay with me for a moment. You can grab some pop corn and a drink if you’d like!

I’m a pastor’s kid (actually a bishop’s kid) and I grew up knowing the Lord. I was indeed taught of the Lord. To a very reasonable extent, my parents, my father especially is quite known in our little world. Of course, in the church where he serves, he is well known and respected – so, common sense tells me that I should never have dreamt of writing this post, let alone actually sit here and write this. But you see, the grace, love and redemption of my Jesus compels me to do this. I’m like the ecstatic woman at the well shouting on top of her lungs “Come and see a man…!” When you’re forgiven much, you can’t keep quiet. When you have truly experienced grace, you cannot be silent. Your little reputation cannot stand in the way of your proclaiming His mighty power that has saved, delivered and set you free! You don’t care about the praise neither do you care about the blame. You just want to tell of His love!

So, to come back to what I was saying, I had a sound spiritual background with a loving, nurturing, wholesome, and balanced family life. I did have some negative experiences in my childhood, but those are stories for another post. Because of how beautiful life was for me growing up, I was shielded and somewhat blinded to certain realities of life. For instance, I never saw my parents have a disagreement so I assumed this was the normal way of life with all couples and families. All I knew was the love of my family, church, school and a few other activities. I was a really good girl, well brought up, morals on point and all that good stuff. When my friends in secondary school were having boyfriends, I judged them and made it clear that I had values and would not join them to do those things.

Because my relationship with God was based on my morality and performance, I was very judgmental and critical of others. I just couldn’t get why people did certain things. I was very quick to put them down even as I sat on my very exalted, high horse. I smile now as I remember how critical of others I was because the very things I judged others over are some of the things I walked into and willingly did – and even worse. So, even though I knew the Lord, loved Him with all my heart and served Him with my all, I had very limited understanding of His grace which really is the basis of our walk with Him.

When your relationship and walk with God is based on your own performance, behavior, morality and actions, watch it! You’re about to bump your head real bad (I have this image of five little monkeys jumping on the bed and bumping their heads. If you live with a toddler, you’ve seen this rhyme too many times on YouTube. Only, this is way more serious than that!). God will eventually humble you so that you can receive His grace, because He only gives grace to the humble. (See 1Peter 5: 5-6 and James 4: 6-7) But when God does the humbling, it often comes at a cost.

A relationship with God that is based on how you perform or behave and not on Christ’s finished work is a weak relationship. It will not hold up under pressure. You will realize soon enough that even on your best day, in your greatest strength and most perfect behavior, you still do not come close to measuring up to God’s standard of perfection. Each time you don’t meet up, you’re left feeling, drained, worthless, not enough and burned out and rather than crawl back into His arms, you sink deeper into the mire that threatens to swallow and cover you up.

This was my reality. Perfectionism and control were my mantra. I prided myself in my little saintly reputation. What I did not know was that perfectionism, control, and the need to put on a perfect front tend to only produce shame and fear. I was set up to fall big time.

When I met a guy that I thought was really gorgeous, well spoken, and had some charm, I wasn’t even sure how I fell. I just knew I did. I had the check in my heart, I knew from the get go that that relationship should never have made it past hello, but not only did it make it past hello, I let it stay and I entertained it with some pizza and a coke.

It must have been somewhere around this time that the devil thought he had purchased my one-way, never-to-return ticket. Everyone around me knew about this relationship. There was no Instagram then so my most active social media platform for broadcasting this relationship was BBM of blessed memory. Some people that were close to me didn’t feel comfortable about this relationship. My sister was forthright about her dislike for him. Friends and family that cared about me tried to ask me questions and caution me, but I was just beginning to have the time of my life and I wasn’t about to let anyone ruin it with their negative energy. Negative energy, stay very farrrr from me! Haha!

I was that girl who thought that somehow, I could balance this relationship with loving and serving the Lord. He didn’t really share my faith, but I convinced him a few times to come to church. I thought I could help his spiritual life. This was going to be evangelism by dating. It never works people, it never does. Rather than win him over, I saw myself slip away helplessly as I began to live a double lifestyle. I wanted to cry for help at some point, but the pride, shame and fear that had been created by the perfect-girl front I’d put on all my life wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to tamper with the perfect image of our relationship that our pictures depicted. Everyone on the outside thought we looked so good together. So I stayed put.

By this time, I wasn’t spending time with God anymore. My mess, shame and the voice of accusation constantly ringing in my head were the reasons why. You see, I had become the original “good girl gone bad”. I’d gone from the saintly church girl to having sex right after a Sunday service (not that it makes any difference if you have sex on Monday or Sunday – but you get my point!). I was even more quickly losing the fruit of the Spirit, proof that I had tuned out the Holy Spirit. I was restless. I became defensive and rude. These were things that had never been a part of me in the past. See, when we say a transfer of spirits happens when you sleep with someone, you better believe it! I started to behave in so many ways that were not at all consistent with who I really was and had been all my life.

I remember once, when my mum who is incredibly spiritually gifted called me. I sat before her and though she had seen nothing in the physical to validate her fears, she laid them out all the same. She told me of a dream she had where she saw this boyfriend of mine with his eyes very red, smoke coming out of his mouth and nose. Guys, she painted the exact picture that I saw in real life quite often – when he was smoking pot and/or cigarettes. I was afraid! I knew God had shown her so that she could warn me. It must have registered in the far back of my mind that God really did care about me. I dismissed her dream and lied that what she had seen wasn’t true. I was really afraid that God had told on me!

The very next opportunity I had, I went over to him and tried to break up with him. My mother had seen a vision – a true one at that and I needed to take to my heels. Somehow, he convinced me that he would change. He would never pick up a stick of cigarettes or weed again in his life. And with that, we carried on with the relationship. As you can guess, the change never happened. If anything, I got introduced to smoking weed and using alcohol. You have to understand that I was a perfect little church girl. Here was I, doing things that I could never have imagined myself doing. I was wild!

I made lots of other mistakes that would take so long to read. I had gone from “this” to “that”. I could barely recognize myself. There were nights that I cried for the girl that I once was, the girl who would be disappointed by this new girl and who she had allowed herself to become. I never intended to go that far, never dreamed of doing those things – but there I was, in the thick of iniquity, yet keeping up appearances. A few close people may have noticed the change, but to most people, I was still the perfect Christian girl.

Over time, I began to experience an abusive pattern – emotional and verbal, with threats and intimidation occasionally thrown in the mix. It was around then that I started to think like the prodigal son. What if I go back to my Father, my First Love? Can I even go back? How do I leave this situation? I’m scared, confused and ashamed. What will people think? What will they say? By this time, we were already engaged to be married. Yup! I took the ring.

“Lord, you can’t watch me ruin my life” I’d cry. “You can’t watch me go to hell” I’d say. “How do I come out of this?” I was too timid, too scared of many things to take that step. I knew though, that I couldn’t afford to marry him and be trapped for the rest of my life.

But oh the overwhelming, never ending reckless love of God! Oh it chases me down fights till I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine! My First Love came searching for me even when I was breaking His heart. He set me up big time. He brought someone into my life – a friend. I thought he would be more, but God didn’t send him into my life for that purpose. As this friendship developed, God was speaking to my heart, showing me that I didn’t have to settle for this mess I was in.

I began to find myself in God again. He began to woo me and court me again. He began to show me all the things He had been longing to show me. He began to tell me how much He loved me and how much He had missed my fellowship with Him. He began to show me that He never left even though His heart broke. He began to tell me that His love for me was unchanged and still as intact as it had ever been. He showed me that my mistakes meant nothing to Him because He had since made provision for them – way before I was born. He just wanted His girl back. And I wanted so badly to go back too.

So, before I went and broke off that relationship, the first thing I did was to strengthen my relationship with the Holy Spirit. I needed to get to a place so strong in my walk with the Lord that I knew that once I ended things, it really would be the end. Remember, we were engaged so the stakes were very high – or so I thought. As my relationship with the Lord grew again, so did my strength, resolve and determination. I no longer had space in my heart to entertain my First Love and this strange love.

I also confided in a mentor and let him know about everything. There was no hiding. I knew he would be disappointed but I was now too concerned about breaking free and securing my future than in his momentary disappointment. Thankfully, he didn’t judge me, but prayed for me and helped me to take steps towards ending that relationship.

One especially bright and beautiful day, I dressed up and decided that that was the day the Lord had made! We agreed to meet up at a restaurant, and ladies and gentlemen, after two unsuccessful attempts, I placed the tiny ring into his palm. With all of God’s grace and the strength He made available to me, I ended that relationship, not minding the tears and the pleas. The Lord helped me marvelously and delivered me from myself! From then on, there was no turning back!

That relationship was a heavy yoke, something I didn’t have the strength to break free from on my own. I had given too much of myself to it. It was easier to stay than to leave.

I have no doubt that this is someone’s struggle right now. It may look like it’s easier to stay than to leave, but I’m proof that God can help you do this. I’m not asking you to try, to strive, or to make efforts on your own – but if you would place your hand in His hands (and in mine if you need to), you’ll see that God makes the most powerful chain breaker and deliverer. You are free! Even if you’re still in it right now, even if you’re reading this from under the sheets in his bed, or with a bottle in your hands, say this out loud “I am free!” There you go! It starts with right believing and right confessing and before you know it, you’re empowered to break free!

There’s still so much to talk about. The after-math, dealing with well-meaning family and friends trying to intervene, the blackmail, the roller coaster ride of emotions, the effect of social media and all of that. We’ll look into those in the next and hopefully final post in these series. I’ll share practical lessons I learnt on how to really break free, tips for navigating the next season, because you will be tested and tried! There will be tearful nights, words spoken and hurtful ones too but I can tell you for sure that when you take the lessons you learnt in this season, and begin to receive the love that God has been lavishing on you, plus a glimpse of much better that He has in store for you, it will be more than worth it! You will be glad that God brought you out. God brought me out even when I walked into the mess myself and I stand faultless before Him because Jesus stands tall in me! He wants to do the same for you and I remain committed to holding your hands on this journey!

If you haven’t already, please, be sure to click subscribe so you can join my mailing list and get notified once I upload the next posts. I am praying for you with all my heart. I believe that you are free indeed and that you win on this journey! I love you but God is crazy in love with you!

Lost (Return Series – I)

August 28, 2019 / Oluwatosin

Sometimes, in our love walk with the Lord, we can veer off path and get lost – really lost.

One time, you were totally sold out to Jesus, recklessly in love with Him. Nothing could get in the way of your love for him and the intimacy you shared with Him. He was your go-to guy. You laughed together, cried together, made decisions together and basically were inseparable. You sought his heart and face every day, wanting nothing more than to please Him. You had the sweetest relationship with the Father, a relationship so sweet, it made the devil mad. You served Him with all your heart and you were all about His business. You were at every church service, every choir rehearsal, every worship concert and every conference.

Then, some way, somehow, you began to slip. You’re not exactly sure how it all started. You just know that one day, you woke up and things had changed. You got distracted. You got carried away. You shifted your gaze and your focus for a moment and then you began to lose your way.

As you wandered farther and farther away from the Father, your love for him started to grow cold. Your relationship with Him was replaced by a relationship with a stranger. It was his charm; his smile, maybe, or his talent. He could have been drop dead gorgeous with the smoothest lines you’d ever heard. Maybe he was witty, funny, caring, and doted on you. To cap it all up, this stranger loved you and wanted to be with you. You were smitten, and you fell hard for him.

It was exciting at first, this new relationship. It started off as an adventurous ride – an adventure that was all new to you. It was hot, passionate, raw, romantic love. It was like nothing you’d ever known or experienced. Even though he professed to share your faith, you knew it was only a shadow, a mere caricature of the faith you truly held dear. Still, your love for him was too deep for his lack of faith to be a problem. Maybe somewhere down the road, you would be able to win him over and together, you would love your First Love and serve Him. This way, you would have even added a new soul to the kingdom. You had this love story figured out in your head.

Only, as the weeks rolled into months and maybe years, you realized that he was the one winning you over to the other side. You woke up one morning and it was a different “you”. You had never imagined that you would have sex outside of marriage, let alone have an abortion. You had never imagined being in a gathering that had more smoke coming out of people’s mouths than a chimney let alone hold a stick of cigarette to your own lips. You had always thought “weed” was something related to plants until you discovered for yourself that it wasn’t just a plant. It was in this relationship that you had your first taste of alcohol. It was in this relationship that lying became a habit for you. It was when you got here that you could no longer control your temper and your tongue. It was in this relationship that you saw yourself disrespecting your parents and other authorities in your life. It was in this place that you lost every form of discipline. It was on the soil of this relationship that you saw yourself transform from “this person” to “that person”

For a moment, you wondered if you could somehow strike a balance – have a thriving relationship with your First Love without letting go of this wild love that has redefined you. But, it doesn’t take too long for you to see that it’s either one or the other. You can’t have both.

Oh, and you know all too well, the love of the Father. It will track you down, chase you down, hound you, bug you till you come running back. You know that there’s no mountain His love won’t climb, no deep pit His love won’t go into, just to get you back.

Then, you begin to feel it – this tug on your heart, this knowing that you were never supposed to be here, this feeling that you have gone too far from the Father’s plan for your life, this feeling of disgust at the fact that you cannot recognize who you have allowed yourself to become. You’re tired because you’re keeping up appearances. You’re not really who you make yourself out to be. You’re one way in public and another way in private. It’s almost like you have a dual personality, singing the Father’s praises one minute and uttering profane words the next; dancing for His glory one moment and yielding your body to fulfill crazy desires the next.

Gradually, your heart begins to break. It breaks for the person you once were, the intimate bond you once shared with your First Love, the peace you enjoyed with Him, the clarity and certainty of the future you had with Him by your side. You begin to miss and long for His presence again. You begin to dread going back to the relationship that has taken away so much from you and who you are. You just want to be whole again, to start over, and to run into the arms of your loving Father and never look back.

You’re just not sure where to start from. How do you even let go of this stranger? How do you tell him (or her) it’s over? Will it even make sense to him? Can you somehow drag him along with you on your return to your First Love? You really do know you should let go, you just don’t know how…

Loved one, I know all too well, what it means to veer off course, to take off with a stranger and live in the shadow of who I really am. If you feel like you’re stuck in a rut – in a relationship, “situationship”, habit, addiction or whatever else, or if you know someone who is, then please look out for my next posts. I’ll share with you, a story of my return trip to my First Love, as well as lessons that I learnt on the way. I believe that they will be useful to you as you work through your own journey. But first, let me congratulate you because you’re almost there! You’ve realized that it’s time to find your way home and God, your First Love is more than willing to help you as you make this decision to turn from that relationship, habit, situation or addiction that has held you back for so long.

Please, be sure to click subscribe to join my mailing list so that you can be notified once I upload the next posts. I am praying for you with all my heart. I believe that you are free indeed and that you win on this journey!