A dear friend sent me this message after reading my book, Unchained.
In the book, I wrote candidly about one relationship that nearly ruined my life and destiny. I could have died or gone crazy, given the gravity of things that occurred in that relationship.
My friend, who wrote this message, had met “Fola” (not his real name), the guy I was entangled with, and she had reservations about him which she didn’t tell me about at the time.
Upon reading my book, she expressed regret for not telling me how she felt about Fola despite how close we were as friends.
In all honesty, I probably would have brushed her reservations aside because I didn’t even listen to those who aired theirs. “Love” (foolishness) was worrying me.
Last week, I shared this with my Instagram fam and asked this question:
“Would you tell your friend if you felt negatively about someone they were dating? Or would you rather keep it to yourself to avoid problems?”
Many responded that they’d rather keep quiet – and nearly all their reasons were the same.
I could easily summarize all the responses I got in these two statements:
“Love entanglements can be such a stronghold. I don’t think my speaking up will make any difference.”
“What if the relationship works out? I’ll become the enemy. Umm. I’ll just keep shut.”
The fear of rejection. The fear of a jolly good friendship going sour. The fear of being seen as the “bad guy”. The fear of being seeing as a hater (especially if you’re single).
These are real fears.
My little IG survey was such an eye-opener. It alerted me to the one thing that shows up and prevents us from speaking the truth when we need to.
That thing is called SELF.
I’m not even exempt from this. Even though I’ve moved away from this centre table, I’m still standing with one leg on its side stool. I have to keep committing to standing for love. And love speaks the truth – even when there’s a risk it could all backfire.
Sometimes, loving a friend means that you take your SELF away from the equation and place their destiny above it – because when someone is making a relationship decision, destiny is often at stake.
So what should you do if you have reasons to be concerned about someone your friend is in a relationship with?
- Pray for them. Genuinely do, and often too. Your words alone may not make any difference, but there’s nothing beyond the power of prayer
- Speak to your friend. I know this is the hard part but God’s word in Ephesians 4:2 encourages us to speak the truth in love. If you have a track record of consistently showing up in your friend’s life with nothing but love and support, they are less likely to misinterpret your intentions even if they do not take your advice.
When you speak, be careful not sound judgmental or like a know-it-all. These are the very things that make people become defensive and unreachable. The key is to lace your words with genuine love, care and wisdom.
As tempting as it is, don’t simply stop at praying for them. If you’re close enough to that person, then you’re certainly an extension of God’s voice to them. The only times you should keep quiet are if your feelings are unfounded, or you have express instruction from God to do so. If you have solid reasons to believe your friend is making a mistake, the kind thing to do is let them know. Your speaking up or keeping quiet about the truth can completely alter the trajectory of someone’s life and destiny.
3. Don’t keep going on about it. At the end of the day, it is up to them to make their decision. You only need to register your thoughts. Go back to point 1. Keep praying!
Let me just take a moment to address that person who’s on the other side of this discuss – the “hearer” of the hard truth.
Again, from my Instagram survey, over 70% of people who participated said they found it tough to accept hard truths. I totally get it. Hard truths are just that – hard – but they have the power to radically change your life and preserve your destiny. That kind of hardness is worth the momentary feeling of discomfort or embarrassment.
Wisdom listens when love speaks. If a trusted friend has reasons to be concerned about your relationship, you should pay some attention. You don’t have to act on their words, but you should listen, ponder, and consider what they’re saying in the light of the realities in your relationship.
If they’ve really proven to be trustworthy over time, why do you think they’re being hateful?
I have learnt from Scripture that the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who listens to counsel is wise (Proverbs 12:15)
I have been foolish in the past, but not anymore. I value truth, wise counsel and godly opinions.
At the root of our defensiveness is pride, and pride leads to destruction.
Listen to wise counsel. Your destiny depends on it!
Give wise counsel. Someone’s destiny depends on it!
PS: If you really want to learn to walk in wisdom, the Book of Proverbs is your go-to manual.
I’m kicking off The Proverbs Challenge with some amazing ladies in March. Every day, we’ll dive into a chapter of the Book of Proverbs and we’ll have a good feast on it.
Click here to join the challenge
Click here to get your copy of Unchained.
See you next time!