Tag: Love

Speak up or Keep Quiet?

February 9, 2021 / Oluwatosin

A dear friend sent me this message after reading my book, Unchained.

In the book, I wrote candidly about one relationship that nearly ruined my life and destiny. I could have died or gone crazy, given the gravity of things that occurred in that relationship.

My friend, who wrote this message, had met “Fola” (not his real name), the guy I was entangled with, and she had reservations about him which she didn’t tell me about at the time.

Upon reading my book, she expressed regret for not telling me how she felt about Fola despite how close we were as friends.

In all honesty, I probably would have brushed her reservations aside because I didn’t even listen to those who aired theirs. “Love” (foolishness) was worrying me.

Last week, I shared this with my Instagram fam and asked this question:

“Would you tell your friend if you felt negatively about someone they were dating? Or would you rather keep it to yourself to avoid problems?”

Many responded that they’d rather keep quiet – and nearly all their reasons were the same.

I could easily summarize all the responses I got in these two statements:

“Love entanglements can be such a stronghold. I don’t think my speaking up will make any difference.”

“What if the relationship works out? I’ll become the enemy. Umm. I’ll just keep shut.”

The fear of rejection. The fear of a jolly good friendship going sour. The fear of being seen as the “bad guy”. The fear of being seeing as a hater (especially if you’re single).

These are real fears.

My little IG survey was such an eye-opener. It alerted me to the one thing that shows up and prevents us from speaking the truth when we need to.

That thing is called SELF.

I’m not even exempt from this. Even though I’ve moved away from this centre table, I’m still standing with one leg on its side stool. I have to keep committing to standing for love. And love speaks the truth – even when there’s a risk it could all backfire.

Sometimes, loving a friend means that you take your SELF away from the equation and place their destiny above it – because when someone is making a relationship decision, destiny is often at stake.

So what should you do if you have reasons to be concerned about someone your friend is in a relationship with?

Pray for them. Genuinely do, and often too. Your words alone may not make any difference, but there’s nothing beyond the power of prayer
Speak to your friend. I know this is the hard part but God’s word in Ephesians 4:2 encourages us to speak the truth in love. If you have a track record of consistently showing up in your friend’s life with nothing but love and support, they are less likely to misinterpret your intentions even if they do not take your advice.

When you speak, be careful not sound judgmental or like a know-it-all. These are the very things that make people become defensive and unreachable. The key is to lace your words with genuine love, care and wisdom.

As tempting as it is, don’t simply stop at praying for them. If you’re close enough to that person, then you’re certainly an extension of God’s voice to them. The only times you should keep quiet are if your feelings are unfounded, or you have express instruction from God to do so. If you have solid reasons to believe your friend is making a mistake, the kind thing to do is let them know. Your speaking up or keeping quiet about the truth can completely alter the trajectory of someone’s life and destiny.

3. Don’t keep going on about it. At the end of the day, it is up to them to make their decision. You only need to register your thoughts. Go back to point 1. Keep praying!

Let me just take a moment to address that person who’s on the other side of this discuss – the “hearer” of the hard truth.

Again, from my Instagram survey, over 70% of people who participated said they found it tough to accept hard truths. I totally get it. Hard truths are just that – hard – but they have the power to radically change your life and preserve your destiny. That kind of hardness is worth the momentary feeling of discomfort or embarrassment.

Wisdom listens when love speaks. If a trusted friend has reasons to be concerned about your relationship, you should pay some attention. You don’t have to act on their words, but you should listen, ponder, and consider what they’re saying in the light of the realities in your relationship.

If they’ve really proven to be trustworthy over time, why do you think they’re being hateful?

I have learnt from Scripture that the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who listens to counsel is wise (Proverbs 12:15)

I have been foolish in the past, but not anymore. I value truth, wise counsel and godly opinions.

At the root of our defensiveness is pride, and pride leads to destruction.

Listen to wise counsel. Your destiny depends on it!

Give wise counsel. Someone’s destiny depends on it!

PS: If you really want to learn to walk in wisdom, the Book of Proverbs is your go-to manual.

I’m kicking off The Proverbs Challenge with some amazing ladies in March. Every day, we’ll dive into a chapter of the Book of Proverbs and we’ll have a good feast on it.

Click here to join the challenge

Click here to get your copy of Unchained.

See you next time!

Just Give Me a Reason!

September 2, 2020 / Oluwatosin

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for others is to be brutally honest with them.

Let me tell you about this thing Femi (real name withheld) and I once had going on.

Femi was a guy I had been friends with for a while. He was newly born again and growing in his walk with the Lord. I enjoyed talking, hanging out and just being friends with him, but then I started to notice that he was “falling in love.”

He wanted to take our friendship to the next level, but I just couldn’t see it working out. It’s not like there was anything wrong with him but I viewed him and “us” through the lens of my deal breakers, and one in particular screamed “no, Tosin, this is not for you!”

The more he tried, the clearer I put it across to him that although I liked being friends with him, I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

One evening, we sat in the outdoor area of a fast food restaurant, eating ice cream and chatting playfully about a myriad of things.

Femi suddenly grew quiet and in one intense moment of desire, desperation, and frustration, he looked piercingly into my eyes and said, “Tosin, why won’t you give me… give us a chance?”

A part of me was exhausted that he was still going there – still asking this question. Hadn’t I told him severally that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him? Why was he still pushing this?

Then I realized my fault. He needed a reason I hadn’t given him a real one. I hadn’t helped him see how being in a relationship with or marrying him wouldn’t align with something was was super important to me.

I knew in that moment that I had to tell him the truth.

I stared back at him and without flinching said “Femi, you can’t lead me. I can’t follow you. And leadership is very important to me.”

Ouch. I know! It must have stung. But it was a liberating moment for both of us. I didn’t mean to bruise his ego and to be honest, what I said didn’t mean he didn’t have any leadership qualities.

It just meant that I didn’t see him leading me the way I knew I needed to be led. He would no doubt make a fantastic husband for his wife one day, just not for me.

Now that I’m married, and with everything we’ve been through in our 3 years plus of marriage, I see very clearly why God imprinted so strongly in my heart, a desire to marry a man who could truly stand in his place as a leader in our home.

Many things that we have overcome so easily have been first, because of God’s grace and then because of this man I married who understands, and takes his place.

I can’t tell you how much rests on a man’s ability to take his place, both spiritually and naturally.

Just because a guy is good doesn’t mean he’s for you. There are millions of good men around, but not all of them can be your husband.

There’s a reason God created you the way He did – with all the values and strong, spirit-led desires that you have. Don’t take those desires for granted and don’t compromise on your values either.

I know there’s the voice of fear that says “Will I find another good guy if I let this one go?”

That fear is specially designed to keep people in the wrong relationships, and from experiencing God’s best for them.

You have your values and deal breakers for a reason! They’re there to guide you into making decisions that will serve you in the long run.

Do you know what your deal breakers are? If you don’t, you need to start identifying them now! It’s so important.

If you do, then don’t compromise on them. It is cruel to string someone along or even marry someone whom you really, deep down in your heart know you have no future with.

It’s great if they’ll let you be when you say a simple no, but some people need to hear the hard truth, for their own good and yours.

So yes, I told Femi the hard truth and although he found it hard to swallow at first, he came to terms with it. We remained friends, but it became very clear that being kind to him would mean that I had to stop hanging out with him. There was no way he would be able to move on from his feelings for me if I continued to entertain and spend time with him.

My charge to you today is this: Do the right thing!

I love you!

Finding Your Way Home (Return Series – III)

September 4, 2019 / Oluwatosin

When you can no longer navigate your way going forward, you can always come back home.

God just impressed it on my heart that one of the biggest mistakes we make when we’re battling sin is first of all trying to break free before returning to Him. I understand why. This is what religion has taught us. Religion has taught us that we have to be worthy before we can approach our Father; that we have to be clean and without blemish to be able to access His presence; that we have to first deal with, and overcome the sin we’re battling before approaching Him. This is why we (the church) turn up our noses when we see certain people lifting their hands in worship on Sunday. “Hmm isn’t she sleeping with Brother Samson? Such hypocrisy” We need to be imparted with the spirit of shut up. You don’t know their struggle! You don’t know where they are in their relationship with God. You are not the judge of all the earth. God is!

In summary, religion teaches that we have to perfect before we can come to Him. This would have been true if the precious blood of Jesus wasn’t spilled on that old, rugged cross, making atonement for ALL our imperfections and presenting us FOREVER faultless before the Father! Because the voice of religion has rung louder than that of Christ’s finished work in our heads, every time we fall short and give in to sin, our guilt and shame stand as barriers and prevent us from approaching God’s presence. It is not our sin that stands between us and God. It is our guilt and shame. This is so important to note.

For God’s children (and you are God’s child if you’ve accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior whether or not you are currently deep in sin) sin has been forever dealt with in Jesus! Guess what? Even for the unbeliever – someone who hasn’t put their faith in Jesus, their sin has been dealt with. It was one sacrifice, for ALL sins and for ALL time! So, for the unbeliever, it really isn’t sin that will send him to hell –it is refusal to accept Christ’s forgiveness and the gift of life that He gives by faith in Him. See what God’s word says in Hebrews 10:12

‘But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. ‘

And Hebrews 10:14
‘For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.’

Religion has made us believe that Jesus only paid for the sins we committed before we became born-again but not the ones we commit after we accept Christ. That’s not even scriptural! As we see in the scripture above, Jesus’ sacrifice is good for ALL time! That sacrifice is good for you right now even in the thick of your mess.

I love how the second scripture says “by that one offering, he FOREVER made perfect those who are being made holy”. So, even right now, you are perfect! This perfection is forever. This perfection is not based on what you do or don’t do. It is a perfection imparted on you by faith in the Perfect One. It is about a perfect sacrifice that was made for you by a perfect God! When God sees you, he doesn’t see your faults. He sees Jesus. Friend, Jesus is standing tall in you! Don’t you see that there’s no reason to run away from the Father? Don’t cheat yourself out! Embrace this too-good-to-be-true love that Jesus offers you. God is not mad at you. He’s not even disappointed in you. His love runs deeper than your mess.

I pray so earnestly that you come to an understanding of the depth of this love. This revelation will free you from any chain faster than trying to do things right on your own ever could! If you really want to be free, you have to begin to think differently. God’s love is so wide, all the mess you can ever make is drowned in it; it’s so high your failures could never reach it. God’s word says that His love endures FOREVER! Your sin is no match for this love! God’s love is a whole feast. It’s not subject to portion control!

I can write an entire book on God’s love for me. It was God’s love and a revelation of His grace that freed me from sin and empowered me to live righteous. I know this because I struggled so hard to live right while I still had a wrong mindset. Even after I had left the toxic relationship that I was in and later moved on to another relationship, I still struggled to be sexually pure (I didn’t have sex anymore but that didn’t mean I was sexually pure. They are different things).
It was when I came to a full grasp of the finished work of Christ and no longer allowed guilt and condemnation to stand in the way of my relationship with the Father that I really began to experience true freedom from sin. The more I saw myself as righteous regardless of my failings, the less I fell. My actions began to align with my thoughts and confessions! I experienced such freedom that when I met my husband, staying pure was not a struggle. We had our first kiss on the altar, before God and His witnesses on our wedding day! That’s what understanding God’s love and grace can do! God’s love and grace will do for you what strong will and resolve cannot! An understanding of God’s love and grace will not just change your outward behavior; it will change your inner desires. You will desire nothing but to please Him. Your heart will swell with a desire to love and please a God that can love you so unconditionally and so timelessly.

My first counsel is, grow in the knowledge of God’s love. Know that your dignity runs deeper than your failings. Beat these things called guilt and shame with God’s word. There is no condemnation for you at all! Even if you fall, still say “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! Lord, I thank you because you paid for this sin already. I receive and embrace your forgiveness” Soon, you will find that your actions will line up with your thinking and your words. Remember, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7)

As you strengthen your relationship with the Lord, it’s also important that you find someone to talk to – a mentor, or a wise and spiritually sound friend. If you’re trying to walk away from a relationship, the natural tendency is to want to isolate yourself. You just want to crawl into your shell and stay by yourself. You don’t want to deal with anyone asking you questions, judging you or showing disappointment. I went through this season too but I realized that I wanted to be free so bad that I didn’t care if someone would be disappointed. What was important to me was that I found someone who was mature, trustworthy, had the spirit of God and of course whom I knew wouldn’t judge me. I also needed them to be someone I held in high regards and would listen to as well as be accountable to. This made a world of difference for me and it will for you too. You need that support from at least one person. So, think about it. Who can you talk to? I’m here if you need me!

There’s no pretending here, ending even a toxic relationship can be hard – but when you’ve invested time strengthening your relationship with the Lord, when you know why you’re doing what you’re doing; when you begin to see how much more there is to your life than this mess that is trying to hold you bound, then you will have an inner excitement about the fact that you’re about to break free! God is jealous over you. The destiny and assignment that God has for your life is so great and the enemy is not happy about it at all. This is not just about ending an ungodly relationship. This is a battle for your purpose, destiny and future. So even though Jesus stands tall in you and presents you faultless before God, if you allow him, the enemy can still wage war against the future that God has ordained for you. Give him no place!

It’s important to be spiritually, mentally and emotionally prepared when you’re about to end this relationship. You must know that there’s nothing you can say to make the other person feel better about the break up. You are the one doing the break up and there’s nothing you can say to make them feel better. Truth is it’s not your job to make them feel better. You have to deal with this fact. Be prepared for guilt trips, tears and things like that. Make it quick, but make it very clear. You don’t want to leave the door ajar; you want to completely shut that door. Don’t say things like “I really do love you but…” or “It’s not you, it’s me”. Please do not extend your hand of friendship. No, you cannot be friends at all! If he (or she) asks if you still love them, let them know that you will not provide answers to such questions. For some situations, you will need to be brutal for the sake of your future. You are snatching your destiny!

Also, be sure to meet at a neutral place – somewhere public enough not to be alone but private enough to keep your conversation so. Do not meet at either person’s house! You don’t want to put yourself in a compromising situation. Of course, remember to ask for the help of the Holy Spirit before doing this. He always helps!

Do ask them to respect this decision and not make it any harder for either party by not calling or texting. You cannot move on from this if you’re still taking their calls or chatting back and forth. This has to be final. Please unfollow them on social media. This is not immaturity. This is you guarding your heart and applying it unto wisdom.

At this point, please note that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s so important that you focus on healing and moving on and that you’re not pressured to start calling all your friends and telling them stuff. Except you are sure to receive encouragement, prayers and support from a trusted friend, you really do not have an obligation to most people to tell them anything.

I say this because often times we don’t tell our friends or just anyone the entire story and because they don’t have the full picture of things, they may try to intervene on the other person’s behalf. Well-intending friends will ask you if you can just try to work it out. Someone insinuated to me that if I really ended this relationship, it would look like I had a problem. You need to guard your heart so carefully and ensure that you’re not taken back to Egypt! I know they want to help but they can help you into error. So, be wise. If family is involved, do let them know your decision and respectfully ask them to support you on this healing journey.

The process of healing isn’t always a painless one. As a matter of fact, with healing sometimes come bouts of pain and discomfort. I’m aware that there are so many different scenarios that can play out in situations like this but one thing holds instructive for all – let whatever pain you may feel drive you deep into a secret place with your Father, not back to where you’re coming from. This is so important.

Please don’t give into the temptation to run into the arms of another man. This is another typical struggle we face after ending a relationship. If you’re quick to go into another relationship without allowing God to heal you, fill the void and make you strong in Him, you are likely to begin another cycle of sin and toxic relationships. This is so even if you’re starting a relationship with a believer. Because you are vulnerable and not completely whole, you may throw yourself at him and find yourself compromising again. Don’t be under pressure. Don’t ever let the fear of not finding a good man or never getting married cause you to fall into another error. Those fears are not even real. God’s very best is still ahead of you! You haven’t blown God’s plans for your life – you’re not that powerful. You will get married to a fantastic, godly man! Settle that in your heart and be at peace.

It’s time to get busy doing the right things. Get busy serving in church, hang out with friends, do fun stuff, travel if you can! Life is what you make of it in this season! You are free to live! If there was ever a time when you needed a company of sisters that you could lean on, a safe haven, a place where you could draw strength and grow in your relationship with God, that time is now. I’m happy to recommend my own network of amazing sisters! We’re called Abby’s Place! More than I can tell, this platform has been a blessing to me. It has helped me heal even in places where I didn’t realize that I needed healing. Even without saying anything, God often sends me a word through this amazing network – and it’s not just me. Many others share this testimony too! If you’d like to be a part, please let me know in the comments and I will contact you as soon as possible!

You were never created to do life in isolation. Isolation is definitely a tool of the enemy to ultimately destroy people. We need to stay woke!

I really do pray that you’ve picked up something from this post and in fact the entire series. I pray that you are empowered to break free. Your purpose beckons! God is calling you to bigger, higher, better things and it’s time to move forward in Him. I cannot wait to read your testimony of deliverance!

I love you. Remember God is crazy in love with you and is waiting for you with arms open wide!

My Return Trip (Return Series – II)

August 30, 2019 / Oluwatosin

This post is second in a series that I’ve titled “Return”. You can read the first part HERE.

The devil thought he had cleverly handed me a one way ticket to destruction – a life fated to misery, regret, doom, gloom and failure. He made it look all too rosy and dreamy. At some point in my life, all form of common sense had left my brain.

What the enemy did not know was that God, my First Love had long before I was born, made provision for my return ticket to Himself – a ticket that He purchased with the very precious blood of His Son, Jesus.

So, while I took my bath that gloomy morning, crying because I wanted to be free but didn’t know how to be, wondering if there was still redemption for me, wondering if God was going to leave me to myself and abandon me to the imminent dangers of the situation I had walked into with my own legs, He was there whispering “You can come back daughter. I already purchased your return ticket. Look more closely. You’re not stranded. It’s not a one-way ticket. It’s a return ticket.” Only, I couldn’t hear Him. I was too confused, scared and ashamed to make a decision to return. I really wanted to. I just didn’t know how.

Let me share a background story with you to bring you up to speed. You’re probably a little lost right now. Stay with me for a moment. You can grab some pop corn and a drink if you’d like!

I’m a pastor’s kid (actually a bishop’s kid) and I grew up knowing the Lord. I was indeed taught of the Lord. To a very reasonable extent, my parents, my father especially is quite known in our little world. Of course, in the church where he serves, he is well known and respected – so, common sense tells me that I should never have dreamt of writing this post, let alone actually sit here and write this. But you see, the grace, love and redemption of my Jesus compels me to do this. I’m like the ecstatic woman at the well shouting on top of her lungs “Come and see a man…!” When you’re forgiven much, you can’t keep quiet. When you have truly experienced grace, you cannot be silent. Your little reputation cannot stand in the way of your proclaiming His mighty power that has saved, delivered and set you free! You don’t care about the praise neither do you care about the blame. You just want to tell of His love!

So, to come back to what I was saying, I had a sound spiritual background with a loving, nurturing, wholesome, and balanced family life. I did have some negative experiences in my childhood, but those are stories for another post. Because of how beautiful life was for me growing up, I was shielded and somewhat blinded to certain realities of life. For instance, I never saw my parents have a disagreement so I assumed this was the normal way of life with all couples and families. All I knew was the love of my family, church, school and a few other activities. I was a really good girl, well brought up, morals on point and all that good stuff. When my friends in secondary school were having boyfriends, I judged them and made it clear that I had values and would not join them to do those things.

Because my relationship with God was based on my morality and performance, I was very judgmental and critical of others. I just couldn’t get why people did certain things. I was very quick to put them down even as I sat on my very exalted, high horse. I smile now as I remember how critical of others I was because the very things I judged others over are some of the things I walked into and willingly did – and even worse. So, even though I knew the Lord, loved Him with all my heart and served Him with my all, I had very limited understanding of His grace which really is the basis of our walk with Him.

When your relationship and walk with God is based on your own performance, behavior, morality and actions, watch it! You’re about to bump your head real bad (I have this image of five little monkeys jumping on the bed and bumping their heads. If you live with a toddler, you’ve seen this rhyme too many times on YouTube. Only, this is way more serious than that!). God will eventually humble you so that you can receive His grace, because He only gives grace to the humble. (See 1Peter 5: 5-6 and James 4: 6-7) But when God does the humbling, it often comes at a cost.

A relationship with God that is based on how you perform or behave and not on Christ’s finished work is a weak relationship. It will not hold up under pressure. You will realize soon enough that even on your best day, in your greatest strength and most perfect behavior, you still do not come close to measuring up to God’s standard of perfection. Each time you don’t meet up, you’re left feeling, drained, worthless, not enough and burned out and rather than crawl back into His arms, you sink deeper into the mire that threatens to swallow and cover you up.

This was my reality. Perfectionism and control were my mantra. I prided myself in my little saintly reputation. What I did not know was that perfectionism, control, and the need to put on a perfect front tend to only produce shame and fear. I was set up to fall big time.

When I met a guy that I thought was really gorgeous, well spoken, and had some charm, I wasn’t even sure how I fell. I just knew I did. I had the check in my heart, I knew from the get go that that relationship should never have made it past hello, but not only did it make it past hello, I let it stay and I entertained it with some pizza and a coke.

It must have been somewhere around this time that the devil thought he had purchased my one-way, never-to-return ticket. Everyone around me knew about this relationship. There was no Instagram then so my most active social media platform for broadcasting this relationship was BBM of blessed memory. Some people that were close to me didn’t feel comfortable about this relationship. My sister was forthright about her dislike for him. Friends and family that cared about me tried to ask me questions and caution me, but I was just beginning to have the time of my life and I wasn’t about to let anyone ruin it with their negative energy. Negative energy, stay very farrrr from me! Haha!

I was that girl who thought that somehow, I could balance this relationship with loving and serving the Lord. He didn’t really share my faith, but I convinced him a few times to come to church. I thought I could help his spiritual life. This was going to be evangelism by dating. It never works people, it never does. Rather than win him over, I saw myself slip away helplessly as I began to live a double lifestyle. I wanted to cry for help at some point, but the pride, shame and fear that had been created by the perfect-girl front I’d put on all my life wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to tamper with the perfect image of our relationship that our pictures depicted. Everyone on the outside thought we looked so good together. So I stayed put.

By this time, I wasn’t spending time with God anymore. My mess, shame and the voice of accusation constantly ringing in my head were the reasons why. You see, I had become the original “good girl gone bad”. I’d gone from the saintly church girl to having sex right after a Sunday service (not that it makes any difference if you have sex on Monday or Sunday – but you get my point!). I was even more quickly losing the fruit of the Spirit, proof that I had tuned out the Holy Spirit. I was restless. I became defensive and rude. These were things that had never been a part of me in the past. See, when we say a transfer of spirits happens when you sleep with someone, you better believe it! I started to behave in so many ways that were not at all consistent with who I really was and had been all my life.

I remember once, when my mum who is incredibly spiritually gifted called me. I sat before her and though she had seen nothing in the physical to validate her fears, she laid them out all the same. She told me of a dream she had where she saw this boyfriend of mine with his eyes very red, smoke coming out of his mouth and nose. Guys, she painted the exact picture that I saw in real life quite often – when he was smoking pot and/or cigarettes. I was afraid! I knew God had shown her so that she could warn me. It must have registered in the far back of my mind that God really did care about me. I dismissed her dream and lied that what she had seen wasn’t true. I was really afraid that God had told on me!

The very next opportunity I had, I went over to him and tried to break up with him. My mother had seen a vision – a true one at that and I needed to take to my heels. Somehow, he convinced me that he would change. He would never pick up a stick of cigarettes or weed again in his life. And with that, we carried on with the relationship. As you can guess, the change never happened. If anything, I got introduced to smoking weed and using alcohol. You have to understand that I was a perfect little church girl. Here was I, doing things that I could never have imagined myself doing. I was wild!

I made lots of other mistakes that would take so long to read. I had gone from “this” to “that”. I could barely recognize myself. There were nights that I cried for the girl that I once was, the girl who would be disappointed by this new girl and who she had allowed herself to become. I never intended to go that far, never dreamed of doing those things – but there I was, in the thick of iniquity, yet keeping up appearances. A few close people may have noticed the change, but to most people, I was still the perfect Christian girl.

Over time, I began to experience an abusive pattern – emotional and verbal, with threats and intimidation occasionally thrown in the mix. It was around then that I started to think like the prodigal son. What if I go back to my Father, my First Love? Can I even go back? How do I leave this situation? I’m scared, confused and ashamed. What will people think? What will they say? By this time, we were already engaged to be married. Yup! I took the ring.

“Lord, you can’t watch me ruin my life” I’d cry. “You can’t watch me go to hell” I’d say. “How do I come out of this?” I was too timid, too scared of many things to take that step. I knew though, that I couldn’t afford to marry him and be trapped for the rest of my life.

But oh the overwhelming, never ending reckless love of God! Oh it chases me down fights till I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine! My First Love came searching for me even when I was breaking His heart. He set me up big time. He brought someone into my life – a friend. I thought he would be more, but God didn’t send him into my life for that purpose. As this friendship developed, God was speaking to my heart, showing me that I didn’t have to settle for this mess I was in.

I began to find myself in God again. He began to woo me and court me again. He began to show me all the things He had been longing to show me. He began to tell me how much He loved me and how much He had missed my fellowship with Him. He began to show me that He never left even though His heart broke. He began to tell me that His love for me was unchanged and still as intact as it had ever been. He showed me that my mistakes meant nothing to Him because He had since made provision for them – way before I was born. He just wanted His girl back. And I wanted so badly to go back too.

So, before I went and broke off that relationship, the first thing I did was to strengthen my relationship with the Holy Spirit. I needed to get to a place so strong in my walk with the Lord that I knew that once I ended things, it really would be the end. Remember, we were engaged so the stakes were very high – or so I thought. As my relationship with the Lord grew again, so did my strength, resolve and determination. I no longer had space in my heart to entertain my First Love and this strange love.

I also confided in a mentor and let him know about everything. There was no hiding. I knew he would be disappointed but I was now too concerned about breaking free and securing my future than in his momentary disappointment. Thankfully, he didn’t judge me, but prayed for me and helped me to take steps towards ending that relationship.

One especially bright and beautiful day, I dressed up and decided that that was the day the Lord had made! We agreed to meet up at a restaurant, and ladies and gentlemen, after two unsuccessful attempts, I placed the tiny ring into his palm. With all of God’s grace and the strength He made available to me, I ended that relationship, not minding the tears and the pleas. The Lord helped me marvelously and delivered me from myself! From then on, there was no turning back!

That relationship was a heavy yoke, something I didn’t have the strength to break free from on my own. I had given too much of myself to it. It was easier to stay than to leave.

I have no doubt that this is someone’s struggle right now. It may look like it’s easier to stay than to leave, but I’m proof that God can help you do this. I’m not asking you to try, to strive, or to make efforts on your own – but if you would place your hand in His hands (and in mine if you need to), you’ll see that God makes the most powerful chain breaker and deliverer. You are free! Even if you’re still in it right now, even if you’re reading this from under the sheets in his bed, or with a bottle in your hands, say this out loud “I am free!” There you go! It starts with right believing and right confessing and before you know it, you’re empowered to break free!

There’s still so much to talk about. The after-math, dealing with well-meaning family and friends trying to intervene, the blackmail, the roller coaster ride of emotions, the effect of social media and all of that. We’ll look into those in the next and hopefully final post in these series. I’ll share practical lessons I learnt on how to really break free, tips for navigating the next season, because you will be tested and tried! There will be tearful nights, words spoken and hurtful ones too but I can tell you for sure that when you take the lessons you learnt in this season, and begin to receive the love that God has been lavishing on you, plus a glimpse of much better that He has in store for you, it will be more than worth it! You will be glad that God brought you out. God brought me out even when I walked into the mess myself and I stand faultless before Him because Jesus stands tall in me! He wants to do the same for you and I remain committed to holding your hands on this journey!

If you haven’t already, please, be sure to click subscribe so you can join my mailing list and get notified once I upload the next posts. I am praying for you with all my heart. I believe that you are free indeed and that you win on this journey! I love you but God is crazy in love with you!

Lost (Return Series – I)

August 28, 2019 / Oluwatosin

Sometimes, in our love walk with the Lord, we can veer off path and get lost – really lost.

One time, you were totally sold out to Jesus, recklessly in love with Him. Nothing could get in the way of your love for him and the intimacy you shared with Him. He was your go-to guy. You laughed together, cried together, made decisions together and basically were inseparable. You sought his heart and face every day, wanting nothing more than to please Him. You had the sweetest relationship with the Father, a relationship so sweet, it made the devil mad. You served Him with all your heart and you were all about His business. You were at every church service, every choir rehearsal, every worship concert and every conference.

Then, some way, somehow, you began to slip. You’re not exactly sure how it all started. You just know that one day, you woke up and things had changed. You got distracted. You got carried away. You shifted your gaze and your focus for a moment and then you began to lose your way.

As you wandered farther and farther away from the Father, your love for him started to grow cold. Your relationship with Him was replaced by a relationship with a stranger. It was his charm; his smile, maybe, or his talent. He could have been drop dead gorgeous with the smoothest lines you’d ever heard. Maybe he was witty, funny, caring, and doted on you. To cap it all up, this stranger loved you and wanted to be with you. You were smitten, and you fell hard for him.

It was exciting at first, this new relationship. It started off as an adventurous ride – an adventure that was all new to you. It was hot, passionate, raw, romantic love. It was like nothing you’d ever known or experienced. Even though he professed to share your faith, you knew it was only a shadow, a mere caricature of the faith you truly held dear. Still, your love for him was too deep for his lack of faith to be a problem. Maybe somewhere down the road, you would be able to win him over and together, you would love your First Love and serve Him. This way, you would have even added a new soul to the kingdom. You had this love story figured out in your head.

Only, as the weeks rolled into months and maybe years, you realized that he was the one winning you over to the other side. You woke up one morning and it was a different “you”. You had never imagined that you would have sex outside of marriage, let alone have an abortion. You had never imagined being in a gathering that had more smoke coming out of people’s mouths than a chimney let alone hold a stick of cigarette to your own lips. You had always thought “weed” was something related to plants until you discovered for yourself that it wasn’t just a plant. It was in this relationship that you had your first taste of alcohol. It was in this relationship that lying became a habit for you. It was when you got here that you could no longer control your temper and your tongue. It was in this relationship that you saw yourself disrespecting your parents and other authorities in your life. It was in this place that you lost every form of discipline. It was on the soil of this relationship that you saw yourself transform from “this person” to “that person”

For a moment, you wondered if you could somehow strike a balance – have a thriving relationship with your First Love without letting go of this wild love that has redefined you. But, it doesn’t take too long for you to see that it’s either one or the other. You can’t have both.

Oh, and you know all too well, the love of the Father. It will track you down, chase you down, hound you, bug you till you come running back. You know that there’s no mountain His love won’t climb, no deep pit His love won’t go into, just to get you back.

Then, you begin to feel it – this tug on your heart, this knowing that you were never supposed to be here, this feeling that you have gone too far from the Father’s plan for your life, this feeling of disgust at the fact that you cannot recognize who you have allowed yourself to become. You’re tired because you’re keeping up appearances. You’re not really who you make yourself out to be. You’re one way in public and another way in private. It’s almost like you have a dual personality, singing the Father’s praises one minute and uttering profane words the next; dancing for His glory one moment and yielding your body to fulfill crazy desires the next.

Gradually, your heart begins to break. It breaks for the person you once were, the intimate bond you once shared with your First Love, the peace you enjoyed with Him, the clarity and certainty of the future you had with Him by your side. You begin to miss and long for His presence again. You begin to dread going back to the relationship that has taken away so much from you and who you are. You just want to be whole again, to start over, and to run into the arms of your loving Father and never look back.

You’re just not sure where to start from. How do you even let go of this stranger? How do you tell him (or her) it’s over? Will it even make sense to him? Can you somehow drag him along with you on your return to your First Love? You really do know you should let go, you just don’t know how…

Loved one, I know all too well, what it means to veer off course, to take off with a stranger and live in the shadow of who I really am. If you feel like you’re stuck in a rut – in a relationship, “situationship”, habit, addiction or whatever else, or if you know someone who is, then please look out for my next posts. I’ll share with you, a story of my return trip to my First Love, as well as lessons that I learnt on the way. I believe that they will be useful to you as you work through your own journey. But first, let me congratulate you because you’re almost there! You’ve realized that it’s time to find your way home and God, your First Love is more than willing to help you as you make this decision to turn from that relationship, habit, situation or addiction that has held you back for so long.

Please, be sure to click subscribe to join my mailing list so that you can be notified once I upload the next posts. I am praying for you with all my heart. I believe that you are free indeed and that you win on this journey!

Lessons From Google Maps

January 11, 2019 / Oluwatosin

A few months ago, I was headed to a meeting in Victoria Island. I didn’t know my way to the destination so I decided to use Google Maps. It was a smooth, traffic and hitch free ride and I was enjoying the direction of the map till I got to this road. The thing is, the journey had been smooth all along; tarred roads, traffic lights, good scenery…all up until this point. The map was leading me through this untarred, muddy and dirty market. I was very certain the map was confused. “This road cannot possibly lead me to my destination”, I thought. So I turned around, went back to the beginning of the road and tried to navigate again from there.

Still, the map was leading me to go through the road I had thought was unlikely to take me to my destination. Frustrated with my map, I thought about calling someone or even going back to the beginning of the road to start navigating again. In that moment though, I thought “well, let me just go through the road. Let me even see where it leads”. As I got on the road, Google Maps literally went silent on me. A few metres before getting on that road, it had already told me to go straight and then make a right after a while but as soon as I got on the “unlikely” road, the map fell silent. I was waiting for some affirmation from the map that I was on the right track…but nothing. Surprisingly (or not), the dirty, untarred road was only for a little stretch of the journey. It wasn’t long before I was back on good roads and could see beautiful scenery again; it wasn’t long till I heard Google map’s voice say “turn right” and it wasn’t long till I arrived my destination.

I arrived at my meeting about 5 minutes late because I didn’t listen to the map the first time. I thought the map must have been mistaken. I would have arrived just in time if I’d gone through the unlikely road the first time.

God spoke to me through that experience. As you can imagine, the map represents God. Sometimes, He will lead us through familiar, beautiful and smooth roads, but many times, He will take us through “unlikely” paths. He will lead us through roads that don’t look like they’ll take us to our destinations. The path may look dirty. It may not look glamorous. It may not look like the destination. It may not look like the dream. It may not look like the vision. I’m here to encourage you to stay the course. Stay with God. Trust the path that He has placed you on. He may not take you through your preferred route, but rest assured that He will get you to your destination. The distraction and frustration often peak when you’re very close to your destination. Keep moving forward.

Sometimes, like the map, when we get on those unfamiliar, difficult and bumpy roads of life, God can seem distant and silent even though He’s right there. Truth is, the map had already told me what to do and I just needed to obey. God has already equipped you with all you need to make it to your destination safely. No, He hasn’t abandoned you. He’s right there with you. He just needs you to stay the course and follow the path that He has set before you. It won’t be long till all the pieces come together and you’ll see that He was right there all along, leading you and holding your hand even in the silence. Know that God is not really silent, He’s only working in silence. Not for a moment are you ever forsaken!

Someone’s word for the year is “Move Forward”. You may not be able to shorten your journey but you can definitely prolong it by refusing to follow the path that God has set before you. Obedience will get you to your destination quicker than trying to outsmart God will. You don’t need to keep going around in circles. Move forward in faith.

I know you’re called to be a business mogul but God could be asking you in this season to work for someone else’s establishment; or maybe you’ve launched out at God’s command and things aren’t going as you imagined. I know you’re called to the nations, but God is asking you in this season to touch one individual. I know the man you’re hoping to marry is supposed to be tall, dark, handsome and rich but God is placing a love in your heart from this man who is just your height, not a super model and not earning 6 digits just yet. Don’t resist. There’s more than you can see with your eyes. There are lessons to be learnt on the path He has placed you on. Don’t despise the path. Don’t despise your journey and don’t for a moment think that you’re lost. God is right there, leading you. He’s your ever reliable map and compass!

Think on the verses below and be refreshed in your spirit!

The steps of a [good] man are directed and established by the Lord when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step].
Psalm 37:23 AMPC

I [the Lord] will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.
Psalm 32:8 AMPC

Dear Single Church Girl

November 12, 2018 / Oluwatosin

If you’re like me, born and bred in church, chances are you’re very familiar with some of the things I’m about to share. If you only recently got rooted in a place of worship, or if you’re somewhere in between then this will bless you also.

I’ve seen over and over again, the joy on the faces of well meaning church folks when they find out that a “committed sister” is getting married to a “committed brother”. It just often seems like a perfect match. Brother is a prayer warrior, protocol member, media team member, youth leader, and of course a tither. He’s committed to the things of God and so whoever he chooses as his wife has hit the jackpot.

As I reflect over my life, my experiences and those of others, I realise that attention has somehow been shifted from what’s really important to what seems to look good on paper. It’s as though we have become so drawn to the idea of a person who is busy for God that we forget to lay emphasis on their actual relationship with God and the fruit that they produce.

Let me just put it out there that it’s a great thing to be committed in the house of God. The truth however remains that many people serve with wrong motives while others just don’t really understand the reason for service. All that people see is the service, the activity and the busyness for God, but dear single church girl (permit me to refer to you as a girl even if you’re 35. After all, we’re all “children” of God!), you have a responsibility to look beyond the activity of a man. You have a responsibility to probe deeper and consider his relationship with God. There is a fine line between religion and relationship. You want someone who shares a true, deep and personal love relationship with the Father and not just someone who is busy in church. Someone who shares a relationship with God serves with a different kind of heart.

Please don’t get caught up and distracted by activity! Well meaning people may make you feel like brother John is the best person for you because he belongs to five service groups and attends every service but please, beyond what they see and say, what is brother John’s relationship with Jesus?

There are men who are super active in church yet they still want to have sex outside of marriage. I’m not talking about they had sex and they’re remorseful or repentant. I’m talking about they flat out, unrepentantly ask for sex, yet five service groups! Please pay attention. Activity is not relationship. Sadly, I’ve come to know stories of men who are active in church, some holding titles but who beat their wives. The Bible warns us about wolves in sheep’s clothing. They appear good on paper but their hearts are not right with God.

Please don’t let anyone bamboozle or confuse you. God is more interested in the heart of a man than in his activities. Am I saying you should marry a man that is passive about the things of God? Absolutely not. That too could be symptomatic of an ailing relationship with God. What I’m saying is, focus first on what’s important – his relationship with Jesus. If his relationship with God is right, it will spill over into the way he serves. His motives and his heart will be right. He won’t be serving just to seem busy for God and get a good girl. You want someone that serves with a right heart.

So maybe brother John speaks in tongues and even prophesies. Maybe he has the word of knowledge and can tell you what you’re thinking at this moment. Haha! All of these are good things but they’re not the most important things. God’s word doesn’t say “by their gifts you shall know them”, it says “by their fruit, you shall know them”. Do not marry the gift, marry the fruit. Galatians 5:22-23 outlines the fruit of the spirit. A gift is just what it is – a gift, but good fruit is produced by a thriving relationship with the Father and that’s what you want. Again, I say, don’t look at the gift, look at the fruit. If he produces good fruit and has the gifts, amazing! If he produces bad fruit and has the gifts, please take to your heels! I recommend that you read Galatians 5 to know or be reminded of the works of the flesh and the fruit of the spirit so that you can better assess that brother John!

Remember that you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You don’t need to prove that your fiancé is the most spiritual and the most committed person in church. It does nothing for you. It won’t deliver you from the reality of his bad character when you eventually get married to him. Focus on his relationship with God and the fruit that he produces. It’s even better when he’s committed, has a thriving personal relationship with God and produces good fruit!